|
"Or maybe you just couldn't think of a better way to make me stay. Even so, why was it too late, I dont understand." |
"It was too late to get my emotions back under my control. If I had recognized what my developing feelings truly were before I let them take control of me, I would have been able to put a stop to them. I could have taken steps to ensure that we never got so close. But, take hold of me, it did..." Snape sighed and then stroked Marcella's cheek with his fingertips. "Not that I regret being with you; just all the pain and suffering I've caused you which could have been prevented, had I been paying proper attention." |
"Had you done that," she said, laying her hand over his fingers as they touched her cheek. "Your job would've been much harder. You did not see me at my most rebellious. Had we not started to get on, being silly stupid young me I might've run off or worse and then you would've been stuck." |
"Yes, I could tell that's the direction you were headed," he said and then, laughed. "I was all but ready to use the Imperius Curse on you, and might have even done it, too; had it not been for Dumbledore and our eventual... understanding, so to speak. And, if you recall, you did run away, right into the arms of your father at the end of the summer." |
"Well not exactly, but realistically, you know what's he's like, how was I to refuse him? And after all I'd been through he wanted to actually show me some kindness and respect or so it seemed. After everything else went wrong you cannot blame me for trying anything and everything just to find happiness, somewhere where I belonged. Is that not what you were doing when you became a death eater?" |
Snape shifted uncomfortably at Marcella's surprisingly insightful questioning. No one aside from Dumbledore had ever bothered asking him, even indirectly, about why he had joined the death eaters; not that he would have told them or been happy about them asking. "No, I wasn't looking for happiness or a place to belong. It simply was where I belonged," he said, surprising himself at how open he was with her, it had taken her godfather weeks to get that much out of him after they had begun their little chats. Anticipating her next question he continued, "Over time, certain circumstances and events caused me to change my mind and priorities." |
"But why did you ever belong there? I'm no fool, I dont expect you were an angel and your hands are probably stained with at least a dozen innocent's blood. But why, why did you feel that was the right thing to do?" |
"I once strongly believed in the purity of blood and the Dark Lord intrigued me. I don't think I was ever happy but, I enjoyed myself and what I was doing in his service for a time," he said. |
"So I'm right; you did murder? More than once?" she asked, feeling her body involuntarily slipping away from his grip, something unnerved her greatly about his past. Sure, she had joined her father's ranks but she had never murdered anyone. If he had, how could she trust that he wouldn't be tempted to return. Being with him was just like sitting waiting for him to hand her back over to her father. |
Snape felt Marcella begin to shift away from him and he losened his grip, giving her the opportunity to run from him if she wanted. He had managed to scare her but, he refused to lie to her about where he had come from, who he had been. For some reason he had deluded himself into thinking that she had understood and accepted his past yet she obviously had not. "Yes, I have murdered on more than one occassion," he said, shutting off the images the turn of the conversation had brought up in his mind. |
"But you were under the imperius curse right? Voldemort made you do it? he threatened you. You had no choice but to murder, right?" she questioned repetitively, in a paniced manner. The last think she wanted think was that he would spill blood of his own freee will. |
He wished so badly that he could tell her yes, he'd been forced into it. Snape shut his eyes and swallowed the large lump in his throat, for the first time since he'd been in Azkaban he felt like weeping. This was worse than all the horrors he'd been forced to relive because of the dementors. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at Marcella'a panic-striken face. "Whether directly or indirectly, they were all under the Dark Lord's orders," he said, quietly, unable to bring himself to answer her question outright. |
Sitting up next to him, she placed her hand around onto his opposite shoulder to the one that was facing her and whispered, quietly, "So he didn't always force you into it?" |
"No," he said, simply, avoiding her eyes. |
Scooting in front of him, she sat with her legs crossed and stcuk a piece of hair behind her hair. Narrowing her eyebrows, she looked at him seriously and simply said, "Tell me the truth." |
Snape sighed and closed his eyes as he replied, "I have killed of my own free will." He opened his eyes back up to see her reaction to this confession. |
"Who and why?" she asked concisely, not letting any emotion flare up on her face. She didn't want him to know what she were thinking or feeling so she naturally forced a barrier against her mind, wishing for nothing more than for this to be easy. |
He wanted to know what she was thinking. He hadn't expected her to come back with a question like that and to deliberately close herself off. "There were different reasons," he said. "In the very begining it was only on orders. As my rank improved, I made more of my own choices." |
"You didn't answer my direct question. Please, answer me." she replied, her tone almost pleading with him. It was obvious that the answer could not be good as he had dogged around it the first time. Why was it that every man in her life turned out to have some sort of past or else was motivated by something sinister. Archie, Snape, Darrin, Voldemort, they'd all done something to hurt her and they'd all done something in the past that tarnished their reputation in her eyes. |
"I don't remember most of the names; it didn't matter to me then," he reluctantly answered to her pleading. What did she honestly expect his answer to be? Did she expect him to hand her a list? Next, she'd probably want him to give her an exact figure as to how many he had killed. But, more importantly, why was he suffering these questions? Why did he even bother to answer? |
"It matters now and it should have mattered then." she insisted, her eyes full of pleading. "Cant you at least give me one name?" Sighing, she folded her arms and said, "You've never talked about this to anyone. I can see it in your eyes. Perhaps talking about it might help you with something you might not have known you were battling inside. Maybe it'll help you accept us more or else help me understand what you did better. Either way I think you should talk about it. But of course, if you dont want to, I wont make you. Not that I cant make you, because I could." she said, staring him in the eyes. "But I wont." |
She could make him tell her? What did she mean by that? He sealed off his mind as he did with her father as her eyes bore into him. "I've spoken with Dumbledore. He didn't get any names out of me either. It doesn't matter what their names were. All that matters is that I was responsible for their deaths," he said, his voice devoid of emotion. |
Leaning forward she got her hands and knees and crawled the short distance toward him. Slipping her lips to around by his ear, she whispered, "Just tell me. I wont make you." Bringing her face back around to face his, she looked at him for a moment before tilting her head to the side, her palms still flat down on where they were sitting and kissed him gently and sweetly for a few brief moments before pulling, dragging her lips away with his teething after. "Dumbledore didn't get anything out of you, but I will." |
Snape was surprised by her kiss, her closeness. He thought for sure he'd manage to drive her away, despite her wanting more details. He had thought she was merely confirming in her mind what a horrible man he truly was. He stared down at her in complete surprise after her kiss. "You wouldn't recognize any of the names," he said simply. |
"That doesn't matter..." she said, trailing a hand from his shoulder, down his upper arm, over the lower arm and rested it on his hand. "It'll help, trust me." she said, eyes firmly fixed on his. |
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