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Bedpans and Pinapples and Snape, Oh my!

“Hagrid” Dumbledore called, banging on the door to Hagrid’s hut and hopping from one foot to the other. Dumbledore was secretly hoping Hagrid had a spare bed pan in his hut, as all the ones in the school had been eaten by a rouge band of fighting Pineapples, and due to his irrational fear of toilets, was holding on in search of an antique bed pan. (And if you think about it, Hagrid should have one seeing as it is a loooooooooong way from his hut to the castle if you’re busting to go – which is probably too much information) Dumbledore also had another purpose for wanting to visit everyone’s favourite gamekeeper in the middle of the night. Dumbledore was in love with Hagrid, although he had a nagging suspicion that Snape had slipped some love potion into his evening pumpkin juice as revenge for the time he stood on Snape’s robes and sent him falling into a gaggle of Hufflepuff first years. Dumbledore had a song and dance routine all planned out, but it all depended on the availability of a bed pan.



The door opened. Hagrid peered out, looking half asleep. It was 6am after all.

“Why Hello professor Dumbledore, what’s up?”

“Do you have a bedpan?” Dumbledore said, hopping on one foot.

“Um, no sorry professor” Hagrid said.

“Oh well, here goes… You light up my life, you make me complete, will you be my hunnybunch?” Dumbledore sang with accompanying dance routine.

Hagrid stood there with a bemused expression. Not sure how to let the headmaster down gently, he simply said:

“No offence sir, but I’d rather date a ticking time bomb”

Dumbledore, heartbroken and now even more desperate to use the bathroom, ran off into the castle.



Later that day in potions class:

Snape was irritated, far more than usual. He was having trouble keeping the classes attention, mostly due to the fact that Malfoy was yelling at the top of his lungs every 10 seconds “Finkel’s Butt ointment rids you of haemorroids likety-split!”. Reminding himself he wasn’t supposed to use magic on the students, Snape strode over to Malfoy, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and went to chuck him out the door.

“Professor, are haemorroids making you lethargic and grumpy? Finkels…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence as Snape had ejected him from the classroom. Relieved that the noise had gone, he turned back to return to the front of the classroom.



He jumped.



Standing behind his desk, in broad daylight for all the students to see, was Lord Voldemort. Except he looked different, he was wearing orange robes and his face was oddly twisted, as though he was trying to smile.



“Hello Severus” he said calmly. Snape started to panic.

“What brings you here, Lord? Surely if you wished to speak with me you would have chosen a more appropriate time?” he said, glancing about nervously at the students.

“I have wonderful news Severus. News I could not wait to share with the world. I have renounced evil and have discovered the mystical power and joy that comes from most ancient Buddhism”

“Uh right. Excellent. So, why are you here?”

“Well, my main reason was to apologize to Dumbledore for all the trouble I’ve caused over the years. But then there was this other thing I was supposed to do…” Voldemort reached behind his back and drew out a small plant. The plant sprouted legs and started pacing back and forth on Voldemort’s palm.

“My friend Herbie here wishes to be sorted. Can you make his wish come true?”

Snape looked at Herbie. Not wanting that thing in his own house, and worried that the sorting hat if asked would place it in Slytherin, made a quick decision.

“Sure. It can be in Gryffindor. There’s an empty spot at that table” Snape said, pointing at a table where Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting. Voldemort placed Herbie at the table.

“Now, lets go and see Dumbledore. That thing will be in safe hands with these three”. Snape led Voldemort out of the room, heading for Dumbledore’s office. Harry, Ron and Hermione, enamoured with their new friend, took him to the Gryffindor Common Room.

In the Gryffindor Common Room that night…



“Herbie! Did you hear that Lavender Brown got a parking ticket while taking a walk in the park with Professor Flitwick” Harry said excitedly.

Herbie wasn’t much of a talker. He’d managed to get a spare house tie and had a pair of scissors, trying to make it small enough for him.

“I heard Professor Trelawney is in rehab” said Ron quietly.

Harry squealed. “really? That is hilarious”



Meanwhile Ginny and Hermione fought in the corner over the last Lego tree.

“I need it, my Lego house has no garden” whined Hermione.

“But I need it, you can’t have a castle without a tree” Ginny replied.

“What? That doesn’t even make sense. Give it to me!” Hermione attempted to wrestle the Lego piece out of Ginny’s hand. Much hair pulling and scratching ensued, until Ginny got mad, pulled out her wand and shouted “Peltisumtri!”, trying to point it at Hermione. Needless to say Hermione chose this very moment to pull Ginny’s arm, meaning that the spell now hit the unaware Neville, who was dozing on a chair. His arms and legs dropped off and ran out of the portrait hole.



Dumbledore’s Office, 7pm



Snape and Dumbledore stood outside the office, deep in conversation.

“Spank that apple” Snape shouted.

“Indeed” said Dumbledore.

Voldemort had been shipped off to a monastery in Tibet to tread the sands of time in smelly sandals. Snape was happier. He was about to go to bed when a leg ran up the hallway and kicked him in the shin.

“What the?” he cried out.



Squinting into the semi-darkness, after finally relieving himself in a chamberpot borrowed from Madame Pomfrey, Dumbledore tried to see where the leg had come from. There was definitely something moving down the corridor. Before he could start to guess what is was, it ran towards them and revealed itself to be Professor Lupin dressed as a teddy bear. He ran up to Dumbledore and Snape, said “rawr, grrr, oink, meow”, ruffled Snape’s hair and kissed Dumbledore on the cheek. He then ran off into the night.



“Weird” said Snape.

“Today has been crazy. I’m off to bed” said Dumbledore.



THE END

The Dares:




evlpez's dare:
*Dumbledore, in love with a professor, makes a fool of himself.
*Voldemort renounces Dark Magic and discovers Buddhism
*A walking, talking plant is sorted into Gryffindor, becomes The Trio's new best friend
*All the boys squeal and gossip a lot and the girls become obsessed with lego.
*The following things must appear or be mentioned: a walk in the park, a parking ticket, a ticking time bomb, the sands of time, smelly sandals.




Lotus' dare:
* Lupin dresses as a giant teddy and makes come-on's to the professors saying things like "rawr", "grrr" and "oink".
* Malfoy is the new spokes person for a hemorrhoid company and slips in promotions for it every time he speaks.
* Pineapples destroy all the antique bed pans and Dumbledore has a phobia of toilets, consiquently he is forced to hold it.
* Spell goes awry and random body parts take on a mind of their own, dropping off and roaming the school.
* Someone shouts "spank that apple!".

[colro=deeppink]Harmony is now a certified fan of your work. And Harmony likes talking in third person very much. Harmony loves your fics...[/coor]

Snape sat in his study looking surly. He was tired, almost too tired to get up and make himself a cup of coffee. He sat in his armchair and glared at the coffee pot. If only he could remember the non-verbal spell to brew coffee. If only his wand wasn’t halfway across the room.



There was a knock on the door and Draco Malfoy entered.

“Excuse me professor, but you’re supposed to be teaching us potions at the moment” he said. Now he couldn’t care less about the lesson, he was just trying to be nosy and see why Snape was cooped up in his room.

Snape grunted and pointed at the coffee pot. Draco got the hint and boiled the jug and soon brought Snape a large mug of espresso. Snape downed the mug in one gulp and sprang to his feet and ran out of the room.



-/-



In potions class:



The students were sitting around wondering when Draco would be back with
Snape so they could start the lesson. Ron and Harry were using the spare time to choreograph a tap dance routine next to Hermione’s cauldron. Hermione of course had her face firmly set on the potions textbook, and she was muttering ingredients under her breath.



A particularly strong kick of Harry’s knocked off Parvati’s hat, which flew over, hit Hermione on the head and spun off into Lavender’s cauldron, where she was making soup.



“THAT’S IT!” cried Lavender when her Potato and Leek soup was befouled by the flyaway hat. “I’m going for take out!”

Hermione looked up from her book and surveyed Ron and Harry. “You’re doing it all wrong, Harry after Ron moves left, you move right and to the front. Here let me show you” and she stood and joined in the tap dance.



-/-



In the hallway:

Snape and Draco were on their way to potions class when Snape was distracted by a shiny poster.



“ALL TIME BESTEST EVER POTION INVENTING CONTEST” read the title.

Snape read further down and saw that the prize was, in fact, a lifetime’s supply of… COFFEE. Below the poster was a sign up sheet, and Snape quickly added his name to the list. The contest was to be held in the Great Hall at Lunchtime.



-/-

Lunchtime, the Great Hall:



Dumbledore had been coerced into being the judge for the Potion making contest. He only agreed when he had been promised a quidditch jersey signed by the Woolongong Warriors.



Neville sat in the front row trying to get reception on his muggle radio, which we all know wouldn’t work at Hogwarts, but sadly Neville had forgotten that fact.



Seamus and Dean were playing a cat and mouse game because sitting still and paying attention was too hard for them.



Snape swept into the Great Hall, Draco following behind. He was pleasantly surprised to see his only competition was Luna Lovegood. This should be a walk in the park, Snape thought to himself.



The contest began and Snape immersed himself in creating a very fiddly potion to give the drinker the ability to fly. Luna, on the other hand, was randomly throwing ingredients into her cauldron and cackling.



Suddenly, a ghostly head appeared in Snape’s cauldron. Snape screamed and dropped the powdered cat’s claw he was holding. It was of course, the ghost of Sirius Black.



“ You’ve forgotten to add the flaxweed” Sirius said, laughing. He then zoomed out of the cauldron and along the hall, passing through students and professors alike.



“Uh, thanks” Snape said, completely confused as to why Sirius was trying to help him. He had of course forgotten the flaxweed, so he added it to his cauldron and subsequently won the contest.



THE END


the Dare (courtesy of Evlpez):
1. Snape enters a Potion-Inventing contest.
2. Sirius Black's ghost visits to help
3. The trio make up a tap dance routine. Tell us why.
4. Someone goes for take-out.
5. The following must be mentioned: A radio, a cup of coffee, a cat and mouse game, the Woolongong Warriors
Due date: September 23

Kirstie,

Well done on your EEFFD. It's nice to see the Evil dudes becoming more active. In fact, I've just completed my very own 1st EEFFD and it was in response to your own challenge. I hope that I lived up to expectations.

May I offer some advice on your story? I actually enjoyed most of it and could follow it clearly as it made sense, even though it was mostly written in fairly brief plot lines. It seemed to be working up to something though, and when I read the part about hopeless Luna throwing in random ingredients against the great potion maker, the arrogant Severus Snape, I thought that something huge was about to happen when..... oh.

Sirius, Snape's mortal enemy appeared without reason and helped Snape and then it was all over. Darn. You had me going and thought that there was going to be a big climax to the story but it just fell over at the end in my opinion. Maybe, just maybe, Sirius could have appeared and helped Luna, turning her out-of-control concoction into something incredibly brilliant at the last moment, thus winning the competition and allowing Sirius to continue to torment the hapless Snape from beyond the grave. Just a thought.

Anyhow, keep at it. We all get better with practice. I look forward to your next story (and your next challenge).

Regards,

Durro