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Sissa's 100 Drabblings of Lucius and Narcissa - Sa13+ So these are my drabbles of Lucius and Narcissa. The stories are just kind of thrown together and don't go in any particular order but I guess they're somewhat connected. The main premise through all of them is that their marraige was arranged and they found out when they were still at Hogwarts. Lucius despises Narcissa while she likes him and throws the marriage in his face. A bit of a tumultuous relationship, really. The stories are going to span their school years and adult lives. Hopefully their ages will be obvious within the text #78--Author's Choice--Arranged Marriage Lucius sat in his room at Malfoy Manner pining over the dungdomb of an arranged marriage announcement to Narcissa Black. Not even his boar’s hair hairbrush and peroxide could cheer him up today. All he could think of was what he could possibly do about it— Killing her: One Avada Kedavra curse. Aftermath: Disposal of one body and possible death of two parents. Upside: Moot marriage contract. Downside: Life term in Azkaban and/or death. Can’t risk hair. Conclusion: Make her life a living hell—priceless! Methods: Crucio—Again, Azkaban=split ends. Ignore=nagging. Cold demeanor—possibility. Future child a hate scapegoat—Bingo! |
#1--Herbology Lucius found a slug in his soil during Herbology one day. Gagging at the thought of touching it, he made Goyle grab it and slip it into Narcissa’s pot. She wasn’t paying all that much attention when transferring soil and overzealously flung dirt in the direction of her second pot. The dirt, and slug, overshot the pot and connected with Lucius; the dirt on his hands and the slug slapping his cheek. A high-pitched scream resounded around the greenhouse. Narcissa turned and saw Lucius, arms flailing, and screaming. Her jaw dropped. “That’s my future husband? Does he even create testosterone?” |
#75--Yodel Lucius stood in front of a mirror looking into crazed eyes and watching himself shake, his wand twitching in his hand. “Lucius, are you ok?” Goyle was standing in the doorway. “I can’t take it. I can’t marry her.” “There are better ways—” “She yodels, Goyle! Yodels!” Lucius rushed at him, grabbing Goyle’s collar, his eyes wild and hair crazed. Roots were starting to show. “Lucie, lets lookie in the library. You need to calmies now.” Lucius put his head on Goyle’s shoulder, his thumb in his mouth and wept while Goyle patted his hair and ushered him away. |
#16—Dragonhide Gloves Narcissa, infuriated by the way Lucius had been treating her since finding out about their marriage arrangement, grabbed one of Lucius’s own dragonhide gloves off of the arm of the sofa and slapped him across the face with it. “Maybe now you’ll start showing me some respect. Nothing can get you out of this.” Lucius said nothing but stared, slack-jawed, up at the crazy blonde standing in front of him. She kept talking but he heard none of what she was saying. He didn’t care about blood purity or family name. The inbreeding had curdled the Blacks. Witch was nuts. |
#2—Muggle Studies Lucius was face down on his table, his forehead resting on a piece of parchment he should have been taking notes on. He didn’t know what was worse: learning muggle medicines that he couldn’t pronounce or listening to Narcissa snipe under her breath to her friends. “Seriously, is there a reason we need to take Muggle Studies? What use is it? Muggles are only good for practicing curses on.” As much as her voice made him twitch, he couldn’t help but agree. That thought alone gave him a headache. He groaned and tried to settle himself deeper into the table. |
#26--Quill Narcissa sat in the library, quill in hand, researching for her next test. She had been trying to catch Lucius’s eye in a more positive light for some time now but her efforts were failing and she was getting frustrated. Her concentration was lacking. She tried to shake it off but the thoughts kept coming back to her—her life with him. If he didn’t wise up soon, her future may not be as pleasant as she imagined it would be. She kept rereading the same line of her text while silently flirting with the idea of a love potion. |
#59--Ignore Narcissa had offered him everything from pumpkin pasties to a piece of her glazed ham from dinner. He didn’t know why but Lucius attempted to ignore her all the same. But she was getting persistent. Dropping hints was more like hurling boulders. He got the feeling she was trying to feed him something and made a conscious effort to eat only what he had gotten himself. She was getting aggravated by this and kept trying to force a piece of cake on him atdinner. “I’m on a diet. Now bugger off!” She threw the cake aside and stormed off. |
#55—Egg On The Dark Lord was egging him on, trying to coax him to get Narcissa to join his ranks. Voldemort knew she was weak but wanted the bodies. The more he could brand, the better. But Lucius thought on it. Narcissa had always been reluctant to join the Death Eaters. He knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it and very nearly resented her for that. “My Lord, she’s not like her sister. She’d be of no use to you.” “I’ll be the judge of that. Just bring her to me.” “Yes, my Lord.” Lucius would pay to see this show. |
#13—Quidditch “Father, I need to get on the Quidditch team. Potter’s been on a year already and Slytherin needs a new Seeker.” “Dumbledore doesn’t bend the rules for the right people. Perhaps a gift to the team would suffice.” “Lucius, don’t you think Draco should at least try out for the team? It looks like you’re buying—” “Shut up, Narcissa. The team could do with better brooms and Draco’s a natural athlete. You’ve kept him out of Durmstrang. Don’t keep him away from this.” Lucius’ eyes alone told Narcissa to leave it be. She hated his demented idea of fathering. |
#7—Care of Magical Creatures “My son was mauled by a hippogriff and you expect me to calm down? I’ll have the thing beheaded!” “Lucius, it could have been an accident and the cut wasn’t that bad—” “I can’t believe they let that incompetent half-breed teach children. This is all Dumbledore’s doing, that filthy muggle lover. He has a soft spot for ineptitude. I’ll have that giant’s job and the hippogriff’s head for this.” “What happened to our normal Care of Magical Creatures class? They used to be fairly interesting.” “Dumbledore happened, Narcissa. We just weren’t there long enough to feel his mudblood-loving effects.” |
#31—Dress Robes Lucius donned his dress robes and walked down to the Great Hall. The Triwizard Tournament had been cancelled at the last minute due to the unpopularity regarding mounting death tolls but they decided to hold the ball anyway. He was going with a pretty Slytherin girl that caught his eye, much to Narcissa’s dismay. He saw her briefly from afar and realized that she did look quite nice in her dress robes. That thought, though, quickly left him when he remembered the psychosis just waiting underneath the thin layer of paint. He shuddered and proceeded to look for his date. |
#48—Leprechaun “Fitting that the Irish would have leprechauns as their mascot.” “Well, it’s either that or a shamrock, dear. There’s a bit more personality in a leprechaun now isn’t there?” “What would you know about personality, Narcissa? Your sister is obviously the one with it all.” “Not in front of Draco,” Narcissa muttered through clenched teeth. “He hasn’t heard a thing. Besides, he’s busy laughing at the Weasleys lunging for the gold. Don’t they know it’s fake? Then again, I guess anything shiny would catch their eye, wouldn’t it?” “There aren’t enough Galleons in the wizarding world to help that filth.” |
#65—Ooze When their son failed to disembark from the train, Lucius left Narcissa on the platform to look for him. He wasn’t all that worried, really. Draco was probably still discussing things with his mates. The events of the last few weeks have stirred things up a bit. His steps began to squish as he walked down the corridor. Looking down he saw some sort of ooze had crept along the carpeting. Then he saw them; Draco, Crabbe and Goyle, all disgustingly slug-like and unconscious. Lucius rolled his eyes and shook his head. Behind him, Narcissa screamed at the oozing sight. |
#87—Plaid While Narcissa and Draco shopped for the upcoming school year, Lucius decided to discretely wander down to Knockturn Alley for some business. On his way down Diagon Alley, he spotted Arthur Weasley. He was hard to miss, really, what with that horrendous, obviously homemade plaid jumper he was wearing. They locked eyes and approached one another. “Did the misses make the jumper for you, Arthur? Really, does buying one cost that much more?” “The children aren’t here to keep the peace, Lucius.” Arthur lunged but he was held back. Molly had appeared by his side. Lucius smirked and walked away. |
#25—Sorting Hat “Black, Narcissa!” Lucius watched as a girl with platinum blonde hair approached the stool that sat the sorting hat. Even with only a year’s difference, she carried a naivety that Lucius didn’t see in the other first years. Lucius looked over at Bellatrix who was staring at him. “Blonde things are in your future, Lucius Malfoy.” Bellatrix hissed. Lucius looked back at the stool and saw Narcissa walking towards the table, having missed her placement in Slytherin. He hoped a Black wasn’t in his future. He heard about them and knew how unhinged they all were. Too pureblood for him. |
#21—Veela Veela or not, they were beautiful. Lucius could no longer hear the crowd around him. All of his attention was centered on the veela but he made sure to remain calm. He didn’t want himself to come off as desperate. That could drive them away. He watched and smiled as they danced only for him. He felt a sharp pain at his side, like his skin was being twisted. Instantly he could hear the roar of the crowd and see Narcissa’s face behind Draco. “I’m your wife, remember?” Lucius sneered and settled himself in his chair, rubbing his bruising skin. |
#41—Thestrals Lucius hated approaching the front gate of Hogwarts. He wished he could actually disapparate inside the walls so he wouldn’t have to see the thestrals. Of course he had seen numerous people die, at his own hand no less, but those creatures were truly disturbing to look at. While he didn’t regret his murders, he did wish he wasn’t able to see such animals. Narcissa told him to just focus on the castle; not look anywhere else. He told her to keep her mouth shut. She hadn’t a clue what she was talking about since she had never seen them. |
#4—Ancient Runes Lucius stared down at his parchment that contained his Ancient Runes assignment. To him, all they were were a bunch of lines that, on occasion, made some interesting shapes. He sighed heavily and collected his things to leave the room. As he looked up, Narcissa was staring at him, brow furrowed. “You know, the runes aren’t that difficult to decipher,” she said, looking at him sneer at her. “Did I say they were?” “You looked confused.” “Your eyes deceived you.” He rolled his eyes, grabbed his bag and sped out of the classroom, Crabbe and Goyle scurrying in his wake. |
#36—Muggle Narcissa didn’t know about any of Lucius’s missions. She didn’t bear his mark so she wasn’t privy to such information. There were times when Voldemort sent him after certain witches and wizards. Other times it was after muggles. Of course, the muggles didn’t pose a threat; they were just polluting the Earth with their non-magic blood. Lucius was hunting now, for one particular muggle that Voldemort set him after. This one knew of the wizarding world and was spreading nasty lies about it. The man had to be silenced and Voldemort trusted Lucius to do it. Lucius loved muggle-hunting anyway. |
#37—Animagus Lucius and Narcissa stood with Draco on the platform just before the train departed. A bark broke through their conversation and Lucius looked towards the noise. There, with Harry Potter, was a large, shaggy, black dog quite excited to be out. “That dog looks awfully familiar.” “That dog looks awful. How does it not look like any other dog, Lucius?” “The face, it looks…oh you clever Black.” “What?” “That’s Sirius Black. He’s an animagus. Has been since Hogwarts. Draco, get on the train. Utilize this.” “Yes, Father.” “Black’s on the run and Dumbledore’s hiding him. Fudge should know about this.” |
#44—Ford Anglia Lucius stood in the lobby of the Ministry of Magic, a Daily Prophet in his hand. He was talking to Fudge when a pop sounded nearby and Lucius saw the look on Fudge’s face drop. He turned and saw Arthur Weasley approaching. “A Ford Anglia, Weasley? Couldn’t have picked anything nicer to fly about in?” Lucius smirked. “Narcissa was saying how a tree stump with wheels would have been a better buy.” Arthur started to reply but was cut off by Fudge who proceeded to yell, his voice echoing off the marble walls. Lucius looked on as Arthur turned red. |
#99—Newspaper Lucius sat in the sitting room of Malfoy Manor, newspaper in hand. A picture of the Dark Mark danced across the front page. “Do you know who conjured it?” Narcissa asked. Lucius looked up at her, disdain on his face. “No, I don’t. It was none of us at the Quidditch World Cup but only Death Eaters know how to cast it. Someone’s working alone, making us all look bad.” “But the Dark Lord’s on the rise, isn’t he?” “That mark wouldn’t have been conjured if he wasn’t. Someone’s trying to prove loyalty. They can only hide for so long.” |
#11—History of Magic Lucius was searching the stacks for Wizarding Warriors: Migrations to the Island for his History of Magic essay. He located it on an upper shelf. Just as his fingers grazed it, so did another set. He looked over his arm and saw Narcissa reaching for the same book. Lucius quickly yanked it away from her. She looked at him, stunned. “We could share it, you know. I do need it too.” “And I could turn myself into a one-legged house elf. But I won’t. You can have it when I’m done.” Lucius’s hair swished as he turned and walked away. |
#93—Chicken “You are chicken, Narcissa! You speak of muggle-hating yet you refuse to join us! You have no force behind your words!” “Why should I join? You know as well as I that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. I’m not Bella!” “You certainly aren’t. She doesn’t stop with just words.” “You carry enough action for both of us. Why does he need me?” “Unfortunately, you’re my wife. Your actions reflect upon me. The last thing I will have is the Dark Lord thinking that I’m weak because my wife refuses to act. You’ve two choices; join or die.” |
#82—Careful Being careful not to wake Narcissa, Lucius rose from bed and walked down to the study. He lit a candle and sat in silence, his head in his hands. He didn’t know how much longer he could put up with this charade. Publicly he had an aesthetically pleasing family. Privately, he felt nothing for Narcissa and resented Draco for being a product of his mother. Should he abandon them? Just disappear, bury himself in the Dark Lord’s work? But it was his house after all. Perhaps he could make Narcissa disappear. Draco could possibly be more tolerable then, without her. |
#58—Hoot A short hoot resounded outside and Lucius stood to open the window. His post owl stood on the sill, parchment in beak. He retrieved the letter and read it. Narcissa saw his eyebrows arch and stood up. “What is it?” Lucius chuckled softly. “It seems Mad-Eye turned Draco into a ferret.” “What?” “Draco was about to retaliate on Potter, Moody saw it and punished him by turning him into a rodent.” “I can’t believe it. That man should be fired! How can Dumbledore let someone like that teach?” “Narcissa, he lets half-breeds and ghosts teach. Does this really surprise you?” |
#52—Bore “You bore me, Narcissa. On top of everything else, you bore me.” “What would you like me to do? Dance for you? Stand on my head and click my heels? Be your little entertainment house elf?” “You don’t get it. There’s nothing you can do. I tolerate you because I have to. I don’t understand why you can’t accept that. It would save your voice if you could.” “A marriage isn’t supposed to be hateful and vengeful. It’s difficult to live like this.” “You’re also supposed to marry someone you love. It’s difficult to live like this knowing I didn’t.” |
#49—Yule Ball “Your mother should be the one helping you pick dress robes.” “Mother’s busy and you were coming down here anyway.” “That’s beside the point. Have you considered who you’re taking to the Yule Ball yet?” “I’ll probably ask Pansy Parkinson. She fancies me and all.” “Do you fancy her?” “Sure. She’s one of the best looking Slytherin girls and I can get her to do anything I ask.” Lucius fidgeted, having nearly run out of conversation topics. “Did your mother say when she’d be back?” “No. Do these robes look ok? I don’t want to look cheap.” “Fine, Draco. Finished?” |
#51—Act “I told you not to act without my word, Lucius. Now you’ve destroyed one of my most valuable possessions.” “My Lord, forgive me. I had every intention—” “—to foul the name of a blood traitor. You have the gall to use me?” “My Lord, I swear—” “Swear nothing. You won’t be the only one paying for your mistake. I think your son might be up for a challenge and I’m sure your wife would be none-too-happy. You agree?” “Yes, My Lord.” “Very well. You will have one more chance. However, your family will have just the one.” |
#14—Hogwarts “But Father, I want to go to Durmstrang. You want me to go to Durmstrang. Reason with her!” “Draco, it’s too far away. I want you closer to home.” “Narcissa, we won’t see him all year anyway. What difference would it make if he went to school here or in Europe?” “Knowing that he’s so far away is nerve-wracking.” “You have to let him go some time.” “Not at eleven!” “He can get a proper education at Durmstrang and not be under that muggle lover.” “He’s going to Hogwarts. I give in on everything else, Lucius. This time I’m not.” |
#56—Fight “Why do you always have to pick a fight with me, Lucius? Why can’t we just be civil?” “Because I don’t like you, Narcissa. Being civil to you is like trying to be civil to a muggle. I just can’t bring myself to do it.” “You can’t leave me. You might as well make the best of a bad situation. We do, after all, have a son.” “Is that what that two-legged blonde thing is walking around? I thought he was a house elf crossed with a giant.” “Do you care about anyone else but yourself?” “Certainly not about you.” |
#68—Roar Fenrir Greyback let out a roar of anger. Lucius knew he wanted Harry Potter for himself but didn’t dare defy Voldemort. The man was furious, itching to change but couldn’t under the light of the half moon. He sniffed the air and turned his gaze to Lucius. Lucius flinched but fared well in hiding it. “The Dark Lord’s slippery friend. How’s your wife? More importantly, how’s your son?” Lucius knew Greyback liked to turn them young. “You’d do best to stay away from Draco but please, be my guest with Narcissa. She already has the fangs.” Greyback smiled and left. |
#69—Slap The shutters slapped against the house as Lucius stood in the graveyard, the wind disrupting his robes. No one dared speak. Harry Potter had just escaped the newly arisen Voldemort and he was none too happy. “Your orders are to bring him to me. No one is to kill him except me.” The Death Eaters nodded in compliance. “Lucius, I want you to get Narcissa and take her to the Black family vault. There lies something only she has access to and in which I need.” “Yes, My Lord.” Voldemort left them amongst the headstones, silently urging them to disapparate. |
#3—Transfiguration The Slytherins were in Transfiguration trying to turn their books into fish. Lucius was having difficulty working the spell, succeeding only in giving his book gills. He looked around at the rest of the class and saw that everyone else was in the same boat. No one had performed the spell correctly. In mid-cast, Goyle bumped into Lucius’s arm, knocking his wand away from the book. A shriek pierced the classroom and Lucius looked to see whom the spell hit. Narcissa was crying and flailing her arms. Her ears had turned into fins and were flapping madly, ruffling her hair. |
#5—Astronomy Astronomy was probably the hardest exam to get through. Not only was it one of the last exams but it was in the middle of the night. All Lucius wanted to do was sleep. He was even caught dozing a couple times on his telescope. He looked around the tower at the other students and saw Narcissa huddled around the eyepiece with a few of her friends. She tried to muffle squeals whenever she saw something and wrote excitedly, her friends doing the same. Lucius shook his head and tried to position himself so he could doze without getting caught. |
#100—Homework Narcissa had her homework spread in front of her in the common room. It was her NEWT year and she had more work now than her last six years combined. She heard footsteps approaching but ignored them. A wand tip fell onto a piece of parchment and the paper ignited, spreading quickly across her work. She shrieked and doused the table with water. She raised her head to see who did it and saw Lucius smirking in a cruel fashion. His friends were outright laughing. “Oops.” He smirked again and left Narcissa to the newly formed marsh on the table. |
#63—Mooch “Father, Weasleby is pathetic. He is a nothing. I’m surprised Potter allows him to mooch off his half-hearted fame like he does. It’s laughable.” “Some people just don’t have the means to get where they need to be, Draco. Some are forced into such a situation. Others, like the Weasleys, choose that situation. They’re a disgrace and not even worth speaking about.” “Yet it’s amazing how often you do speak about them, Lucius. You seem to be obsessed with their disgrace.” “And you seem to be walking a thin line, Narcissa. It would do you well to shut your mouth.” |
#50—Boggart They were practicing their Riddikulus spells in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Boggarts were found harboring in some cupboard on the fifth floor so the students went up there to practice. Narcissa went first, her boggart turning into a hideous looking baby. She gasped but quickly cast the spell and turned it into a can-canning house elf. Lucius was next. His boggart took the form of Narcissa in a wedding dress. He dropped his wand and began to scream. Before the professor could regain control of him, Lucius had run out of the room, his echoing voice being left behind. |
#18—Whomping Willow Lucius suspected something but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Potter and his friends were up to something strange. The four of them would disappear before dinner ended and they wouldn’t be seen until the following morning. Dumbledore also planted that Whomping Willow on the grounds. Why would Dumbledore plant such a dangerous tree so near students? He’d seen what it could do if kids got too close. He watched Narcissa walk within branch length of it one day. It flicked her thirty yards away, scattering her books and parchment everywhere. He hadn’t laughed that hard in a while. |
#34—Parseltongue When Draco told Lucius that Harry Potter was able to speak Parseltongue, he got worried. As devoted as he was to the Dark Lord, he still feared his wrath. He’d surely be in Slytherin if it was... Could it be that scar, that wretched mark that left Voldemort powerless that allowing him to… Either way, it was the perfect cover. “Who do you think opened the Chamber of Secrets?” Lucius turned around to see Narcissa standing in the doorway. He rolled his eyes and looked away from her. “I don’t know with any certainty but I surely have my guesses.” |
#86—Daring It was a daring move, he knew but he was going to do it anyway. Lucius bewitched the bowl of frog livers to hover in midair, just out of sight of anyone walking down that corridor. Narcissa was just coming around the corner and Lucius was ready. He released the charm from the bowl but not before turning it upside down first. It’s contents spilled onto Narcissa and the bowl hit her head before falling to the floor. She realized what was on her, screamed and ran down the corridor, Lucius laughing as he watched her go. Definitely worth it. |
#6—Divination “You have what this year?” “Divination. And the professor’s a fraud.” “Who is it?” “Sybill Trelawney.” “Is she related to—” “Yeah but has none of her powers. According to her, Potter should have been dead ten times over by now.” “Well, she’s on the right track, isn’t she?” “Now Lucius. You shouldn’t encourage the death of another student in front of Draco.” “Mother, I’m not a child. Besides, Potter would be better off dead.” “You’re outnumbered here, Narcissa. Perhaps you should practice being seen and not heard.” “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.” “Wishing won’t help you.” |
#29—Pensieve Lucius’s pensieve sat on a bureau. Narcissa knew he kept everything from her. She just wanted a peek into his mind since he wouldn’t give it to her willingly. She dipped her face into the liquid and for a moment saw a murder; an Avada Kedavra curse performed on a young woman fresh out of school. She was suddenly jerked back and thrown against the wall. Lucius was livid. He drew his wand and pointed it at her face. “Consider this your one and only warning. If I catch you snooping again I’ll be adding another tally to my count.” |
#60—Joke “This is a joke. It has to be. Which one of you did it?” Lucius looked around at his friends but they seemed as dumbfounded as he was. All they could do was gape at the scene. Lucius’s bed was covered in rose petals and pink bows. Puffy red hearts floated around the four-poster and all of his bedding was Droobles pink. On the bed lay a note. One friend elbowed Lucius and shoved him towards the bed. Lucius grabbed the note with the sparkling purple words and he shook his head. “Narcissa thinks this is a happy Valentine’s Day.” |
#62—Lope Lucius loped down the corridor, knowing that he was late for class. He couldn’t seem to get up on time lately. As his luck would have it, his class was on the seventh floor. He got to the door and creaked it open, hoping to not disturb the professor. “Lucius. So glad you could join us. Take a seat.” Lucius rolled his eyes and strode into the classroom. He looked around and saw Narcissa giggling at him, trying to look cute. “Keep laughing and next time it’ll be you that doesn’t show up for class,” he sneered and sat down. |
#24—House Elf “Narcissa, where’s Dobby? I have work that needs to be done.” “Dobby?” “Yes, Dobby. About yea high, floppy ears. He would be our house elf. You know him?” “Don’t get smart with me. I haven’t seen him either. Come, Dobby!” With a few seconds’ delay, Dobby apparated at Lucius’s feet. Lucius was furious. “Where have you been?” “Dobby is just washing Master’s clothes, sir.” “You took too long to answer me. No supper for you tonight and while you’re ironing, make sure to get a few of your fingers as well.” Dobby whimpered and quickly scurried away, ducking the cane. |
#32—Common Room Lucius sat alone in the common room with his work. He wasn’t doing any of it. Instead he was doodling on a piece of parchment. He didn’t hear Narcissa walk up behind him but felt her hand on his shoulder. Startled, he jerked away. Seeing who it was, he sneered and proceeded with his doodling. “We’re going to have to come to friendly terms sooner or later,” Narcissa said as she sat down. “I don’t have to do anything other than marry you. That’s the only term. You’re going to have to give up this friendly thing you’re clinging to.” |
#30—Feast Narcissa strut up to Lucius at the Slytherin house table and sat down next to him, facing the opposite direction. “You know, Lucius, at the end of year feast next year I’ll have more to celebrate than no more school.” He turned to her and sneered. “Which gives me that much more to mourn. Now leave me alone.” “If you’ve considered running, don’t. We’ll find you and you won’t be the only one to pay.” “Oh don’t worry, Narcissa. I won’t run. I’ll just keep my wand at the ready. Along with the crucifix and holy water you blood-sucking hag.” |
#39—Duel Lucius had his wand at the ready, staring at his opponent. He never thought the time would come when he would have to properly duel. The auror moved first, light erupting from his wand. Lucius deflected the spell and fired back, missing the man. The auror tried to fire again but was hit from behind; an Avada Kedavra from Rabastan Lestrange. The men nodded at each other and continued on their way. Lucius thought of Narcissa and what she would do in such a situation. Unlike him, she would need to be bailed out, not being strong enough to fight. |
#88—Sweet Tooth Lucius didn’t have a sweet tooth and Narcissa knew that yet, for every holiday including his birthday, she would get him a bag of candy from Honeydukes. And every time he received it he would pass it along to his friends, knowing they would gladly devour it. But this time, when he saw the five pound chocolate heart sitting on his bed, he lost his cool. He grabbed the heart and lugged it into the common room. He walked to Narcissa and dropped it at her feet. “I hate candy you dumb witch! When is it going to sink in?” |
#91—Future “I gag on the mere thought of my future with you, Narcissa. I had a wonderful relationship going until you poisoned it.” “Me? I wasn’t the one that arranged the marriage, Lucius. I didn’t have a say in it either, you know.” “But you can have a say in ending it. That’s all you have to do but you won’t do it.” “Why would I? I get to marry a handsome man, a pureblood, live lavishly and not have to worry about anything.” “Oh you’ll have plenty to worry about. Don’t you worry.” “Like what?” “My hatred and wrath maybe?” |
#97—Dictionary “I need Mulciber Warwick’s Wizarding Dictionary.” “Fourteenth stack, three columns in, second shelf down.” Madam Pince was never one to fetch anything for anyone so Lucius followed her directions to retrieve his book. Upon returning to his table, he found Narcissa rooting through his notes. “What do you think you’re doing?” “I wanted to compare notes for the assignment.” “Compare them with someone else.” Lucius body-checked Narcissa as he walked by, nearly knocking her over the table. “I don’t get you.” “And I don’t like you.” “Is there a reason why you’re so mean to me?” “Need I repeat myself?” |
#80—Author’s Choice—Avada Kedavra “Watch it, Narcissa. Killing you would be just as easy as killing a muggle.” “But you won’t. You’ll break the terms of our marriage.” “Our parents are dead. What does it matter?” “Because the Unbreakable Vow had your name in the clause. Go ahead. Try it. I’ll meet you on the other side.” Lucius grabbed Narcissa by the collar and pulled her face to his, their noses touching. “Avada Kedavra,” he hoarsely whispered. “That’s all I have to do. And if it means I die too, so be it. Draco would be better off without you as a mother anyway.” |
#83—Fearful Narcissa was fearful of the situation. Never had she seen Lucius in such a state and never had she felt the anger of the Dark Lord coming down so hard. If Lucius failed this mission, he would either end up in Azkaban or dead. Even more, she feared for herself and Draco. Lucius already failed the Dark Lord once. She was surprised he was getting a second chance. Failing this time just wasn’t an option. Yet she knew he was only thinking about himself. He wanted to remain on the Dark Lord’s good side. His family was secondary at best. |
#35—Pureblood “I don’t understand. How can Severus be a Death Eater? He’s not even pureblood. Surely the Dark Lord knows that.” “I don’t ask questions, Narcissa, and neither should you. The Dark Lord himself had a muggle for a father and look at what he became. The Weasleys are pureblood and look at them. We all know that pureblood is the only way but if I had to choose I would no doubt take Severus over the entire Weasley family any day. The only thing worse than a muggle or mudblood is a blood traitor. We’re not to question his will.” |
#20—Hogsmeade It was Lucius’s last Hogsmeade weekend at Hogwarts. He’d be finished with school in a couple of months but he was more looking forward to being rid of Narcissa for a year. He was dreading the day he had to marry her. While walking along High Street with his mates, Narcissa approached them. “Since this is your last visit to the village, Lucius, I thought we’d go to the Three Broomsticks and discuss a few things.” “I’d rather climb the Whomping Willow naked. But thanks anyway.” Lucius and his mates laughed and carried on with their walk, leaving Narcissa behind. |
#22—Kneazle “That filthy mudblood’s gotten a new pet. She calls it a cat but I swear it’s as big as an otter. There’s something not right with it either. I overheard her say it’s part kneazle. Miss Perfect is breaking school rules. If she can have a kneazle, I can get something else.” “Now Draco. There’s nothing wrong with your owl. Besides, what do you care what a muggle-born has?” “Your mother’s right. She’s a mudblood. Anything she has is tainted regardless. You have a pureblood owl. She has a tainted kneazle. Is that what you want?” “Of course not, Father.” |
#53—Chase “How long am I going to have to chase you around before you actually succumb to it, Lucius? You can’t run forever.” “How about this? Stop chasing me! I’ll deal with it when the time comes.” “I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it better if you come to terms with it now.” “The only way I’ll actually comes to terms with marrying you is if I’m dead. Otherwise, consider me heavily sedated for the duration.” “I thought you always wanted a pureblood wife.” “Yeah, one of my choosing, not one chosen for me.” “Play the hand you’re dealt, Lucius.” |
#57—Gape “You wouldn’t know what an emotion is, Lucius. You were born without the ability to feel.” “You need to shut that gaping hole in your head you call a mouth, Narcissa. Whatever part of me that was human died when I married you.” “Then just take it out on me. Why do you have to be so evil to Draco too? He’s your son!” “He only gets half the barrage you get because he’s only half you.” “You’re a monster.” “Then divorce me!” “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction.” “Then you should just refer to me as monster, not husband.” |
#61—Kiss “You may now kiss the bride.” Lucius froze. Narcissa stood before him, her veil waiting to be lifted. “Kiss me, Lucius,” Narcissa said through clenched teeth. His hands shook as he raised the veil. He grimaced and sneered as he leaned closer to her lips, closing his eyes. In an instant, he felt hands on the back of his head and his face connected to Narcissa’s. She was holding his lips to hers. His eyes shot open and he tried to free himself. After a minute, Narcissa released him and he backed away, panting and snarling at his new wife. |
#23—Telescope Lucius had gotten special permission from the Astronomy professor to go up to the tower to work on his assignment. He couldn’t very well use a telescope from the Slytherin House unless he wanted a close-up view of a tree stump. He was up there an hour before the slamming door knocked him out of his momentum. He turned to see who it was and Narcissa walked through the door. Lucius rolled his eyes. “I thought I’d have the tower to myself tonight.” “You thought wrong.” “Well, now you can have it. I’m done.” Lucius gathered his belongings and left. |
#54—Dare Lucius and Narcissa were waiting for their traveling cloaks before leaving the party. “I wish you could stay.” “As do I but Lucius must go polish his personality. He needs it ready for the morning.” The woman looked at Lucius and he snidely smiled before saying goodbye, grabbing Narcissa and wrenching her out the door. He threw her off the stoop and she stumbled but didn’t fall. “Don’t you dare embarrass me like that in public again, Narcissa, or I will rip the life right out of your body. Understand?” “Act like a human being and I won’t have to.” |
#81—Depression “Is there a reason why you’re moping around the house?” “You, Lucius. You’re the reason why. You don’t know how to treat Draco. I feel so worthless. I don’t know why I even bother getting up in the morning.” “You’re so melodramatic. Slipping into a depression are we? Life just isn’t what you thought it would be? Thought you would be happy forever? Is reality too disturbing for you?” “You’re too disturbing for me. I don’t know why I stay.” “Neither do I, Narcissa.” “Did you ever care about anything in your life?” “Yes, until you sucked everything worthwhile away.” |
#27—Owl “Father, I want a new owl. I don’t like this one anymore.” “What’s wrong with it?” “I’ve had it for five years. He’s old and worn and I think it’s time for an update.” “Draco, there’s nothing wrong with your owl. He can still fly quite well, he’s never lost any mail—” “Mother, don’t you remember what it’s like to be a teenager? It doesn’t matter if something’s broken or not. If it’s passé, you can’t possibly keep it. And I have a reputation to uphold.” “You’re not getting another owl, Draco.” “But Father—” “No and that’s final.” |
#64—Nap “Lucius. Lucius! What do you think you’re doing?” “Well, I was taking a nap. I would have thought that was obvious.” Lucius rolled over on the couch and sat up, rubbing his eyes. Narcissa threw a pillow at his head and started to walk away. “Get up. We have that dinner party in an hour. I don’t want to be late.” “Then shouldn’t you be halfway to dressed already? Or have you already shellacked your face?” “Funny. Get ready. I’m not the only prima donna in the house.” “Please, woman. Don’t project. It’s not a very admirable quality for you.” |
#84—Angry “I really don’t understand why you’re so angry and bitter all the time. There’s no reason for it.” Lucius marched into another room and stomped back a few second later, a large mirror in his hands. He walked in front of Narcissa and held the mirror up. He held it there for a moment before peeking around the frame. “Do you see what I see? I see a blob of blonde in which to harbor my resentments. This is what I see every day. You wonder why I’m like this? How many times must I repeat myself? Infinite, I’m guessing.” |
#28—Timeturner “Mother, what if I could get access to a timeturner? I know the Ministry has them locked up in the Department of Mysteries. I could go back and do something, anything, to prevent Dumbledore from getting to Father and the others.” “Because you don’t have enough on your plate, Draco, is that it? You want to take on even more? Lucius is in prison and the Dark Lord is punishing him by means of you. I won’t lose both of you!” “This isn’t punishment, Mother. He trusts me to do this.” “Are you so naïve that you can’t see it?” |
#66—Pace “Lucius, you’ve been pacing all afternoon. Will you please sit down?” “The Dark Lord has returned, Narcissa. He knows that Weasley child destroyed his diary. He knew I gave it to her. Do you have any idea how angry he is with me?” “But you didn’t know what it was. You just wanted to taint them.” “Do you really think he cares? He thinks I was careless with his things, that I put myself before him. I can only imagine what he’ll make me do to pay for it.” “Can it really be that bad?” “You’re so oblivious it’s scary.” |
#85—Snappish “You’re going out like that?” “You know what, Lucius? I really don’t give two galleons what you have to say. You’re no permanent gem either, you know.” “Ooo. A bit snappish today, no? What’s got your knickers in a twist?” “Your face, Lucius.” “Did we forget to take our potion this morning? Are the voices in your head getting louder?” “Why don’t you climb down to the seventh circle, you half-brained twit?” “Someone eat a sour bug this morning? Coffee too bitter?” “Go blow it up a chimney.” Narcissa stormed out of the house with Lucius looking after her laughing. |
#33—Classroom Lucius approached the Charms classroom at a bound, knowing he was late yet again. But when he got there, his classmates were congregating outside. He walked up to Crabbe and Goyle who seemed to be laughing about something. “What is it?” “One of the first years had problems with his feather. Turns out he jinxed it, and a dozen others, and they’re floating around the classroom attacking anyone that walks in. Narcissa got the brunt of it. Took three people to drag her out. Lucky for her all feathers can do is tickle.” “I miss too many things being late.” |
#67—Quell “I must go. I have work to do.” “Lucius! Your family comes first! What good does it do us if you’re never here? You need to quell that hunting-lust you have before you end up in Azkaban.” “You go ahead and tell the Dark Lord that, Narcissa. You go ahead and tell him that you rank higher than him and see what he does. I happen to value my life.” “But when is this going to end? How long can he expect unadulterated devotion?” “For as long as he’s in power, I would assume.” “So you’re lost, then.” “For now.” |
#89—Past “We thought he was gone! We were able to get away for so long and now the past is coming back to haunt us. He has risen again, Lucius and don’t think for a second that you’re not going to pay for what you, what we’ve, done.” “You’re by proxy, Narcissa, not a Death Eater. You don’t think I know what I’m going to have to face? If nothing else, I fear him.” “But you don’t fear for your family?” “I have to care for myself above all others. You need me to survive. If I’m destitute, so are you.” |
#8—Potions “Draco, do you remember Severus Snape? Close acquaintance of mine. He’s the Potions professor at Hogwarts. You’ll be in good hand with him. He knows how to treat his fellow Slytherins.” “But Lucius, he is a professor. Surely he’s supposed to be impartial and not show favoritism.” “How blind are you, Narcissa? Severus is head of Slytherin House and favors them just as the other heads of house do their own. It’s a natural rivalry. I only wonder what house Potter will be in.” “Harry Potter? He’ll be at Hogwarts?” “Yes, Draco. You two are the same age, you know.” |
#38—Patronus “Insolent boy, Potter is. He was able to wow the Wizengamot with his ability to produce a patronus. He was vouched for by Dumbledore and a mad muggle with a cat fetish. His wand should be snapped in half by now.” “So it’s safe to assume the charges were dropped?” “Sharp as blades, Narcissa. How did you make it this far without your brilliance bubble popping?” “I’m on your side, Lucius. There’s no need to bite back.” “There is when you state the obvious. Idiocy annoys me.” “Then you mustn’t look in the mirror too often, dear. You’ll get crampy.” |
#70—Teem Lucius was teeming with anger. How could the Minister let such trash into the most prestigious box at the Quidditch World Cup? The amount of money he had to pay was astronomical. There wasn’t a chance that the Weasleys could afford it. “At least we’re over here and away from them,” Narcissa whispered into Lucius’s ear as they sat down. “It’s just the fact that they’re here that’s soured my Quidditch experience,” Lucius replied, not bothering to conceal with voice. “Just don’t look at them. Hopefully they won’t be too hard to ignore.” “You would think, but I doubt it.” |
#90—Present “And what have you done to arm yourself against You-Know-Who?” “I have done what needs to be done and at present I don’t feel the need to elaborate for you, Arthur. You just look out for the well-being of your own.” “Is that a threat, Lucius? Because I’d be more than willing to bring both you and Narcissa in—” “For what? You have nothing on us.” “Perhaps I’ll bring Draco in as well. Make it a family affair.” “You’re talking smoke, Arthur. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons why the Minister’s failed to promote you, is it not? |
#9—Defense Against the Dark Arts “Father, is it true that the Defense Against the Dark Arts position is cursed? And that the Dark Lord himself did it? No one can fill that position for more than a year.” “That’s just a rumor, Draco. You shouldn’t bother with silly stories like that.” “Don’t kid yourself, Narcissa. We never had a permanent professor for that class either. Everyone knows how the Dark Lord coveted that job and how bitter he was when Dumbledore wouldn’t give it to him. People just don’t want to admit it’s cursed, that they’re trying to get something the Dark Lord also wanted.” |
#40—Spell Lucius and his mates were underneath the tree by the lake, huddled around a piece of parchment and, occasionally, one would break away, flick his wand and come back in. Narcissa, seeing this odd behavior, walked over to the group to see what was going on. “Just what are you guys up to? It looks like you can’t figure out a spell or something.” “It’s none of your business what we’re doing,” Lucius answered, sneering. “I doubt you would be able to do it anyway.” “Try me.” “No. Now leave us alone.” The boys circled in close, shutting Narcissa out. |
#71—Untie “Untie him now!” A wand held by a masked person flicked and the ropes disappeared. The frail, thin figure slumped to the floor. “Tell me about the prophecy.” “I know nothing.” “You keep to your word, Unspeakable. Tell me!” “You’re going to have to kill me, Lucius. I know you. I know Narcissa. I know Draco. Azkaban will be waiting for you all.” Lucius stood up, facial expressions hidden by the mask. “Idle threats from such a defeated man. I’m giving you one last chance.” “It wasn’t meant for you.” “That makes no difference. You had your chance. Avada Kedavra!” |
#92—Chocolate “Honestly, Draco. You really shouldn’t eat so much chocolate. You’ll end up as plump as that Weasley woman.” “Don’t you dare compare my son to such filth. Besides, it’s the holidays. Let him eat.” “Am I the only one that has any kind of self control around here?” “Self control? Ha! This coming from the man that will throw a killing curse at anyone that looks at him cross-eyed?” “I don’t think Draco remembers your fat phase, Narcissa. Should I refresh his memory?” “You wouldn’t dare.” “You know me better than that. Now get the chocolate away from him now.” |
#10—Arithmancy Narcissa wasn’t paying attention to what the professor was saying. She was using her newfound knowledge of Arithmancy to determine just how compatible her and Lucius were but the numbers weren’t adding up. No matter how they were put together and which aspect of the chart she used, it kept saying that her and Lucius repelled like the poles. She stole a glance in Lucius’s direction and saw him; head propped on his hand, eyes shut and mouth gaping. It was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one not paying attention. But at least she was being discrete. |
#42—Portraits All he wanted was a moment of peace and quiet but the portraits wouldn’t oblige. It was Narcissa’s incessant nagging that kept the paintings up in the study. Lucius felt it was oxymoronic to keep things of such racket in a place that’s supposed to be quiet but she wouldn’t bend. And neither would the unbreakable sticking charms on the frames. “Will you shut up? This is my study and I want it quiet!” “There’s no reason to yell. We’re not yelling—” “Honestly, if you wanted us to be quiet, you just had to ask nicely—” “Honesty—” |
#72—Vex Lucius sat in his chair, fists clenched, mumbling under his breath and sneering at nothing. Narcissa was somewhat worried. “Darling, you look vexed. What’s wrong?” “Vexed? Vexed? Do I look vexed, Narcissa? You want to know why? Because Potter stepped far beyond the line of reasonableness, that’s why you half-dead twit. If you haven’t noticed, we’re lacking a servant. The dishes are piling up.” “Then we’ll get a new one. Losing Dobby isn’t the end of the world.” “But I don’t want a new one. He’s been in my family for generations and that arrogant little boy set him free.” |
#94—Allergic “I want a cat.” “We can’t get a cat, Lucius. You know that. I’m deathly allergic to them.” “All the more reason to get one,” he smirked. “So you want me dead, is it? I’m sure my parents would love to hear that anecdote.” “Please, Narcissa. As if it’s such a surprise. You no longer on this planet would be euphoric for me.” “How would you feel if I was plotting your death on a daily basis?” “Ecstatic. Are you? It would be such a release.” “Do you ever take me seriously?” “Are you ginger?” “Funny.” “So about that cat…” |
#12—Charms The class was scattered about the room, practicing Accio in this particular Charms lesson and only a handful of people were able to get the charm right. Narcissa watched as Lucius practiced the spell and was able to make not only his book but his chair zoom towards him. She was having difficulty with her own book and hoped that Lucius would notice her and offer to help her out. Well, she succeeded in attracting his attention when the book she was summoning flew out of her control and straight into Lucius’s head, dropping him dead weight to the floor. |
#43—Headmaster “Lucius, do you really think you should be doing that now? It’s late as it is. Why don’t you wait until morning?” “The Headmaster is still awake. In fact, he’s out roaming the grounds as we speak. The sooner I serve him with this order of suspension, the sooner he can be dragged out of Hogwarts. Whatever is loose in that school is doing it justice. Dumbledore will only get in its way.” “Why do I even bother? You don’t listen to a word I say anyway.” “You know, I ask myself that question every day. Why do you bother?” |
#73—Warn “My Lord, please. Not Draco. Lucius’s faults are his own. Leave Draco out of this.” “Your groveling will do nothing, Narcissa. Besides, Draco willingly accepted the task. He, unlike you, understand that someone must pay for his father’s mistakes. And since he isn’t here to do that, Draco will have to take his place.” “But My Lord, do you honestly believe that Draco has the ability to kill Dumbledore? He’s weaker than I.” “I warn you, Narcissa. Don’t you dare question my judgment. Don’t think I have nothing planned for you too. Guilty by association, the way I see it.” |
#95—Snowball Lucius was hit on the side of the head by something cold and wet. He stood in shock for a moment before wiping the debris from his face. He looked in the direction it came from and another connected with his torso. Lucius looked up and saw Narcissa readying herself to pelt him with another snowball. Lucius sneered and reached for his wand. He whipped it out and aimed it at Narcissa. “Cruc—” “No!” Lucius was tackled by Crabbe and Goyle trying to wrestle his wand away. “She’s not worth Azkaban.” “Not for snow.” Lucius sneered and admitted defeat. |
#15—Room “Narcissa, how many times do I have to tell you, there isn’t any room in our bedroom for that bureau. You’ve got every inch of perimeter occupied with something. I feel claustrophobic in my own bed.” “Then we’ll just have to put it somewhere else, won’t we? How about the lounge?” “How tacky is it to have to retrieve clothes from the lounge?” “What about one of the spare bedrooms?” “I’ll tell you where to put that bureau.” “Excuse me?” “Nothing. Wherever you decide to put it is where it stays. I really don’t care.” “Your input would be appreciated.” |
#45—Torch Lucius donned his Death Eater garb and prepared himself. It had been a long time since he’d tortured muggles and he was looking forward to it. He lit a torch and passed it along to one of the other Death Eaters. He couldn’t actively participate and light the way simultaneously. “What are Draco and I supposed to do while you’re off muggle-bashing?” “Stay out of the way. Unless you want to join us.” “I hate muggles as much as the next pureblood but Lucius, the Dark Lord isn’t even among us. What’s the point then?” “Shows how much you know.” |
#74—X-tinguish “You idiot! You’re not supposed to light things on fire! Put it out now!” While practicing her charms work in the common room, Narcissa succeeded in setting Lucius’s robes on fire. Panicking, she extinguished them with an Aguamenti charm she had just mastered. She apologized incessantly but Lucius wasn’t all that forgiving.” “Perhaps you should learn to master your wand in seclusion. That way you can’t hurt anyone else but yourself.” Thoroughly embarrassed, Narcissa grabbed her things and ran to her dormitory. Lucius assessed the damage to his robes and repaired it with his wand, all while mumbling to himself. |
#96—Socks “Narcissa, where are my black socks? I can’t find any of the pairs that I own. Are they in the wash?” “Just wear the white ones. No one will see them.” “I can’t very well wear white socks with a black outfit. How atrocious would that look?” “You wear long trousers and robes. Honestly, who’s going to see it?” “It’s bad enough to know that Weasley-esque fashion statement is there. Don’t I have gray ones? Wait, did you burn all of my dark socks?” “Of course not. I just think Dobby’s been slacking. He has been acting quite strange lately.” |
#17—Cauldron Lucius and his father walked along Diagon Alley, shopping for start of term. It was Lucius’s first year so all standard purchases needed to be made. As they were walking out of the cauldron shop, Lucius spotted his mother talking to another, older, couple. With them were an older girl, quite gaunt and dark for her age, and a younger girl around Lucius’s age with similar platinum hair. There was something about that family that just wasn’t right. Lucius couldn’t put his finger on it but they just didn’t rub him the right way. Something was unnatural, perhaps even scary. |
#46—Dungeon “If Hogwarts’ sole purpose was to be a school, then what was the original intention of the dungeons? Do you think they really threw kids down there?” Narcissa queried to her friends. Lucius stood off to the side, half-heartedly listening but not at all caring. Suddenly he was bumped from his thoughts by Argus Filch. “Those dungeons were used back when people knew how to punish insolent little children. Couldn’t get away with throwing dungbombs in the corridors. I keep asking Dumbledore to just let me recommission the chains but he won’t. Says the parents would object. Not even thumbscrews…” |
#76—Zap “Weasley! What is that?” Fudge yelled from across the lobby. Lucius looked in Arthur’s direction with an amused expression. “It’s a bug zapper, Minister. Muggles use it to kill insects. Apparently it zaps and the bugs die.” “Quaint, Weasley. Tell me, are you going to add this in to your collection of plugs?” Lucius couldn’t help but speak up. “You see, while the muggle world is inferior, there are more interesting things to salvage than mechanized Avada Kedavra zappers. Narcissa even finds it primitive.” “At least I have a legal hobby, Lucius.” “And does that include charming cars to fly?” |
#98—Pajamas “Lucius, wake up! You have to see this! Now!” Lucius grumbled as he was yanked out of bed by Narcissa. Without letting him gather himself, she dragged him out the door. She thrust him out into the middle of the front garden, demanding that he look up. He grumbled, rubbed his eyes and looked towards the sky. “What am I looking at?” “It’s a meteor shower! It looks like it’s raining light! Isn’t it gorgeous?” “I’m standing outside, in my pajamas, bare footed, looking at star farts at three am. It would be gorgeous to smother you with a pillow.” |
#19—Wand “You’re going to have me do what? Wait a minute. That isn’t like me at all. Who are you? Where’s that Rowling woman? There’s no way she’d have me shove my wand up Narcissa’s nose in her sleep. Who is this?” “Lucius, I think we’ve been hijacked by some crazed fanfiction writer.” “What in the bloody hell is fanfiction?” “The muggles, you see, they take a pale comparison of us and make us do wildly out of character things. You should see what they do to Severus. And they have Draco paired with that mudblood.” “Those evil spawns of Satan.” |
#47—Portkey “Lucius, don’t!” Lucius picked up a pile of parchment. “What is slash?” “It’s fanfiction that us canon characters refuse to speak of, written by Those-Who-Should-Be-Denied-A-Quill. You don’t want to know.” “I don’t? But you know what it is, Narcissa? How?” “Please don’t make me relive it.” “Wait, it says here that I touch the portkey and I get transported to a house where…OH MY GOD!!!” “I told you not to read it. You never listen to me.” “Who’s having my baby? How is that possible?” “Honey, you’re getting all shrieky. Just stop thinking about it. It’ll only make it worse.” |
#77—Cheerful “Cheer up, Lucius. It’s best to just ignore it.” “It’s hard to be cheerful when I know the horrible things…how can I ignore what some god-awful writer is doing to me? For the love of god, Narcissa, Sirius—” “Please don’t say it.” “I think I just gagged on my own tongue. Can’t that Rowling woman do anything to stop this?” “I’m afraid not. As long as people give her proper credit for us, they’re not doing anything wrong. They’re creating lives for us that aren’t in the books.” “But I don’t want —” “Please stop. It’s not really us.” |
#79—Author’s Choice—Azkaban “This is what I get for being the product of some muggle mother. I’m sitting here in Azkaban. And rightly so. But it can’t stop there, can it? Nooooooooooo. Some stooge has a Death Eater braiding my hair, Narcissa bringing me cookies and Draco waltzing with Voldemort. Hello! Canon much? Obviously this schmuk has never had Narcissa’s cooking and doesn’t know that Draco has two left feet. Help me muggle lady. Rowling, is it? Rescue me from the suethors and slashers of fandom. As much as I’d enjoy watching Narcissa bob for piranha, no one deserves this. I’m begging you.” |
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