 Sardines ♥ BHB ♥ Dallie ♥ Grumpy ♥ MY SUN AND STARS ♥ i love julia
Hearing him agree made a few emotions stir up inside of her. Sadness, of course, because she had wanted so much for it to work. She had been trying to WILL it to work for the last several months without much progress. She knew that it was partially her fault, but also because Derf was... slower when it came to relationships. But she had been willing to be patient. This wasn't a matter of impatience, though. It just wasn't working. But she felt something else, too... A sort of release. Natalie had spent the last several years making mistakes with Derf in the back of her mind, wondering what he would think of her or how he would react if he found out. She felt bad thinking it, but it was sort of... tiring. Did that make her a bad person?
Natalie chewed on the inside of her lip, swallowing back a lump in her throat. She sought validation from people who didn't care as much as Derf did, but Derf rarely gave her the validation that she so desperately wanted. But she knew why he couldn't. He wasn't like that. But she WAS. Another reason why it wasn't working.
Sue her for wanting to feel loved. She couldn't help it.
The question she had voiced aloud had been one that was stuck in her mind for the last several months. Yes, he had told her that he liked her. Yes, they had kissed. But Natalie's mind moved at a pace much faster than his - how was she to know that his feelings and thoughts remained the same? Every time she received some sort of validation from him, it was small and then there was nothing and she was lost, clueless, wondering if he had changed her mind. He was the only person who had ever told her that he liked her. The only person who had reciprocated her feelings. Yet, it wasn't enough... but she did know why. She did know him. Which is why she started crying again when he said that he thought he knew her - because she realized what her question really meant to him. And she regretted asking.
A frustrated sigh (not frustrated at him, but at herself, as usual) escaped her lips and her eyes stung with fresh tears again. "I do," she said quietly, her voice wavering. "I know. I'm sorry." Wiping at her eyes somewhat aggressively, Natalie tried to find words to explain herself. "I'm selfish, Derf. I need more than you can give me, I always have."
But also, going back to what he had said before. "But part of the reason you're unhappy with me is because you care too much about who I spend time with and who I seek validation from. You can't do that." She was trying to talk over her tears, but her voice was clearly thick from crying and her cheeks were wet. It was part of the reason that she had been unhappy too. Always feeling like her mistakes outweighed everything. Which... they did. |