Okay, so here I am again...

Chapter 27 part 5

Harry was standing with his back against the room's wall, his eyes unfocused as his mind was rushing through the latest events. James was dying. He was dying and there was only one way to save him; trade the book with the antidote...but...but...there was this huge BUT that was holding him back. Hermione had actually told him that it wasn't a good idea. And the Minister...well, yeah he had been all sympathetic and stuff but if he could ban Harry from accessing the book he would have done it. He couldn't blame him though; if he wanted to be honest with himself he knew that he, Harry, wouldn't even consider giving up the book, had it been someone else's child.
But it wasn't someone else's child, was it? No, it was his child. It was his Jamie and he just couldn't watch him die. He rubbed his eyes as pictures from what he saw in that chip came back to him, no matter how much he wished he could just forget about them. In spite the fact that he wasn't even moving he felt his heart beat rising. The things they had done to him...he already knew they had tortured him badly from his wounds but never had he thought of the thing itself. He could still see them kicking the boy in the face or spitting on him or make him bleed so much from Sectumsembra that a small pond of blood was created around him. He could hear his son screams -they seemed to be echoing in his head- he could still hear him crying out in pain or yelling for him; and yet he was so strong. Not once had he pleaded with them, not once had he begged, he could barely control his body and yet he wouldn't lose his cheek.
"Dad?"
It took Harry a few seconds to realize that James had woken up and was talking to him. With a huge effort he forced a smile upon his face as he crossed the boy's room and sat next to him on the bed.
"Hey", he said. James searched his father's face with his eyes but did not comment on whatever he got from it.
"Hey", the boy said then.
"How are you feeling?"
"The fever's gone for now" he responded. "Where's mum?"
"Downstairs", Harry said. "She's making you a chicken soup".
"Right", James grinned. "She realizes that I don't have a flu, right?"
"I'm not so sure about it", Harry responded. James looked at his father's face again and then took his hand into his own cold one.
"Dad", he said. "It's okay".
"What is?" Harry asked confused.
"This", the boy replied. "Me. It's okay".
Harry stared at him for a moment.
"Yeah, you're gonna be okay" he said then, even if he had sensed the true meaning behind James' words.
"No, dad", James shook his head. "I won't; because you can't give that book to them and you know it".
"James..."
"I mean, when you come to think of it, it looks like it's been decided from the beginning, since Dolohov kidnapped me. It's not like you guys haven't already contemplated with the prospect of...of losing me".
"Don't talk like that", Harry said with a stern voice.
"Dad, they almost killed me back there", James said and an image of the boy lying on the floor drown in his own blood flushed vividly in front of Harry's eyes. "You saved me then, but I don't think we can cheat death twice".
"You're gonna be okay", Harry repeated taking his eyes off him and staring at the opposite wall instead.
"I can't be okay", the boy insisted. "I don't even want to be okay if that means that dozens of other people will die!"
"Now you're just being dramatic", Harry sighed and stood up.
"Dad, if you give them the book, who's there to tell me that it won't mean that I'm to lose Albus or Lily or mum...or you? Can you promise me that once Voldemort is back we'll be okay?" Harry stared at him. "You can't" James said. "And that's why...I have to die".
Realization struck Harry hard like a slap in the face. James' words made it feel more real; like it was really happening, his son was really dying. He shook his head.
"No, you won't..."
"I have to" James said with a steady voice ignoring the tears that run down his face. "Maybe it's for the best".
"No..."
"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for me".
"Stop it", Harry said as he walked up and down the room.
"You know I'm right".
"No, you're not".
"If the lives of way more than just one person were at stake but you didn't know them would you even consider giving up the book?"
"It's not the same", Harry sighed.
"It is the same. The greater good comes above one life, dad".
"This is different", Harry insisted.
"Why? Because I'm your son?"
"YES!" Harry yelled. "Yes, because you're my son! YOU'RE MY SON!" he screamed as tears run down his own face too since he was unable to keep holding them back. "Jamie..." he whispered as he rushed back to the boy's bed and sat next to him again. "Jamie, I've lost more than you can possibly imagine during the last war with the Death Eaters and believe me I would gladly give up my own life in order to stop them now but...but nobody told me that I would have to give up yours. In everybody's life there's something that goes above the greater good and that's what our family is to me. I will not sacrifice you for the greater good. Don't ask me to; I can't".
"So what? You're willing to jeopardize everyone else's life?" James asked him. Harry shook his head and bit his lower lip but couldn't find what to respond to that. "Dad, I don't wanna die", the boy said. "I don't; but I don't want you guys to die for me".
"James..."
"You can't give them the book".
"And what?"
"And I'll die", the boy said.
"Oh, God", Harry whispered closing his eyes.
"Dad", James went on taking his hand in his again. "It's not your fault" he said. "It's not!" he said again as Harry shook his head. "You saved me from that place in Austria...you brought me back, even if it seemed impossible. Yes, I am dying again but at least...at least I'm home; I'm with you, my family", James said, fresh tears shining at the corners of his eyes. "You...you just can't save me this time and you have to accept that".
"I can't lose you either", Harry shook his head and placed his palm on the boy's hot cheek; the fever was back.
"You know what's the right thing to do. You just...you just have to accept it", James said.
"How?"
"How what?"
"How am I supposed to just stand there and watch you die? How can I ever accept that, Jamie?" Harry asked him.
"You're strong", James smiled. "I'm not afraid for you".
"James..." Harry whispered feeling the urge to roll his eyes; the boy just couldn't understand. "James...I...I love you so much".
"I know, dad, but..."
"You're my son", Harry said. "When you were born, I promised myself that I'd do anything to keep you safe and I have already failed to do that once, when they took you. I can't let it happen again".
"Dad, you know as well as I do that it wasn't you that got me to Austria, it was my hard head; and you have done everything humanly possible to protect me, but sometimes I guess you simply can't go up against fate", James said. "You can't just put everyone in danger to save me".
"But..."
"There is no but dad" the boy said. "They can't have the book and that means that I have to die. You have to let me die".
"No", Harry said and hugged his son tightly, lying on his chest. "No, no, no".
"It's okay", the boy whispered. "It's okay, dad", he said. "I love you too", he added after hesitating a moment not knowing if that would make things better or worse.
Then none of them spoke again and within the next half hour the boy had fallen asleep again. Harry was watching him breathing in and out. He had made his choice; actually he knew that he would make that choice from the very beginning. It would just be so hard to go through with it. And Ginny...what would Ginny say, how would she handle this? New tears came to his eyes but he didn't allow them to fall. He couldn't get all choked up again; they would need him strong. He couldn't stay there anymore either; he couldn't look at James' sore face any longer. He kissed his son's forehead and with one last glance at him walked out of the room just in time to come face to face with Ginny, who was carrying a disk with food.
"He's sleeping", he told her.
"That's okay", she shrugged. "I'll just wait for him to wake up".
"Gin..." Harry started but stopped.
"What?"
"Nothing", he said shaking his head. How could he tell her? What would he tell her? "I have to go" he said.
"Wait", Ginny said. "Where are you going?"
But he was already walking away from her...

-Angie-