January 3
[3:25 pm]

Just had to mention that I was back at school. We’ve lots of snow outside and when it isn’t snowing, it’s blistery cold with lots of winds. Even still, it’s nice to be back. Much as I love being at home, I dearly miss my friends while I’m away.

On the bright side, Matti wasn’t being quite as pouty as he had been lately. He was still sour and if I mentioned Hogwarts he would scowl and glower and stuff but it went over well.

Fredreich bought me some new books and a few shirts. One of the books I’ll have to lend to Juni – it’s all about night flowers. She might take interest in it, I think. It seems rather neat, though – I might see if Daddy can get me a night blooming flower to put out on the balcony. Wouldn’t that be nice?

While I’m thinking of it, I’ll just go check with Juni and see if she would like to borrow the book.

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January 6
[5:43 pm]

Callie is so… ugh. UGH UGH! I cannot express soundlessly in mere words how upset I am. Honestly, I’m uncertain if I’m angry. I know I’m upset for a number of reasons, though.

First, I’m angry at Callie for always being so phony. So fake. For the games she plays, pretending to like my hair, my clothes, my personality.

Then, I’m angry at myself for being just as phony and fake and playing along with her stupid games, pretending she’s not thinking bad things.

This makes me angry at Callie for being phony and making me respond the same and thus be angry at myself.

I’m angry at myself for being angry at myself.

Of course, I’m mad at Callie for making me angry with myself.

I feel really angry with myself for yelling at Callie the way I did. There’s no reason I should have just… exploded the way I did. KA-BOOM!

But I’m angry with Callie for managing to push me over the edge, the way she did. It’s very un-me to explode.

It’s a stupid mess and I think I upset Callie.

(But she’s had me upset for such a while, now.)

We’d been in the girl’s bathroom. Callie came in while I was twirling around in the bathroom, to fix her make-up (do 11-year-olds honestly need all that make up? I wonder what she looks like without it) and made a comment about how we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, which was true enough. I told her I’d needed a break – didn’t tell her why, because frankly (a synonym for honestly, I found), I didn’t feel all that comfortable telling her.

I can’t remember what I said, but I guess I mentioned Samson and Callie referred to him as my “man” and it really irked me. Samson and I are only friends and there is nothing between us. The way she said it felt snarky and fake and she was all “We can talk about anything! I miss my friends when they’re not around!” and I honestly felt like cringing. We’re terrible friends that I feel uncomfortable talking to her about anything. Will she use it against me, I sometimes wonder of what I say.

I don’t even know when she’s being sincere.

There was this “blah blah blah we should hang out more” that was obviously fake on both our parts.

Ag.

I’m a bad person. A very bad friend.

In my defense, though, Callie is, too.

So I accidentally burst. I told her I was done. “This whole time, I’ve tried to be nice but our friendship is pretty fake, isn’t it? You don’t really care about me, do you? Cos you only seem to care about yourself. Oh. Right. And Aiden. But you don’t really care about me, do you? We’re so fake, it’s not funny. Our friendship is a fraud.”

Then, when she thought I’d gone, she began to cry and ran out.

Ohhh. A very wet Juni has arrived. I’ll write later

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[7:30 pm]

Poor Juni came in very cold and very wet, after building a snow witch with Callie and Aiden. Anyway, she sat with me and we started talking originally about Hogsmeade and the missing students.

There are rumors that say the food and drink from Hogsemeade has turned them into ANIMALS. Which seems so ABSURD and preposterous (vocab word!) and just honestly! How possible is it? It seems so absurd but then… what about the disappearing students? Some girl named Bella is apparently a firm believer in the idea.

Sabrina then came over and we talked some more about the missing students. It was a real serious conversation though so we eventually started to talk about other stuff.

Merlin. I really love my Ravenclaw friends. Being around them is so very comfortable. :] Of course, I adore most of my friends – Callie and I are just in a really bad place.

Ag! We have the most messed up friendship. Even Missy and I managed to just be candid with each other.

I repeat: Ag!

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January 7
[10:12 pm]

Dear Bella

Ohmygod I can’t believe you’re gone already. Your Christmas holiday isn’t NEARLY long enough. I said it a thousand, trillion, zillion times but it was so great to see you again! For the first time in months things felt RIGHT. Liike old times. You, me, Couri, Tait, and Topher, hanging out, my parents weren’t fighting. It felt like last Christmas, before you decided to go to your new school. :( I miss you so freaking much, Bella.

Ohmygod. With the holidays over, Mum and Dad are at it again. Mum is all “blah blah you don’t care!” and Dad is like “you’re such a drama queen, all we do is fight”. I wish things could be normal again but GOD! I’m just like “Jesus! Get over it and divorce already. Put your marriage out of its misery.”

The only thing good about you being gone is that when I bring your letters around, Hunky Fredreich is always around. And God does he make sucky days so much better. I don’t care what you say – he is OH so hot.

Speaking of hot – new boy at school. Mmm mmm mmm, Marcus Caplam. He shames Tait, if you can believe it. He’s got nothing on Fredreich, though, duh, he’s just a boy, but I can make do for now. :P Missy is all “Purrrr so you’re new huh? I can show you around” but I did a total Bella and just piped up like “Sorry but he’s already accepted my offer” and I NEVER EVEN ASKED! I was like, God, I hope Bella is okay cuz I totally just channeled her. Haha.

Gossip update!

Niel asked Katherine out! And she said YES!

Hilary has moved onto Hanson, fittingly enough. Haha.

Tait doesn’t dapple around. Geeze-o, he acts like you broke his heart. You were like, ten! Whatvever! ;]

Missy and Couri got into a fight, cuz Missy said something snarky about Katty. Couri was all like “oh no you didn’t!” Lots of hair pulling (Missy) and kicking (Couri).

They’re suspended for 3 days!

Ohmygod, I feel like I’m writing an essay. My hand is about to give up so I’m ending here.

I miss you so freaking much. We all do but life REALLY sucks without my bestie. :[ Can’t wait for summer. Don’t have TOO much fun! Tell me about your friends. I wanna hear more about that Samson and Gavin. God they sound hot.

Love you lots!

Nettie “Antoinetta Carl”

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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I miss home. Most of the time, I’m fine, here at Hogarts. But Merlin! Sometimes I just want to go to Nettie’s and sit in the hot tub with Couri, Niel and Tait and act silly. In a stupid way, I miss flirting and being flirted with. Seeing Tait was so weird cos I felt nothing around him. Back then I’d feel giggly and fluttery and then he’d hold my hand it would feel right and all. Sweaty but right.

Now around him, I just feel… happy to see him but not like that. We were never serious, though. After all, we were just ten. Nettie is such a romanticc, hoping that Tait will hold out forever for me and then one day I’ll come back to him and it’ll be passionate and stuff.

Ag!

I’m beyond our school.

There’s no way I could ever go back there, much as Nettie wishes.

I don’t like her being sad, though. :[ Maybe she can meet my friends this summer!!!

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January 12
[6:56 pm]

I might be going crazy. Or maybe Samson is, because that would explain my afternoon. My memories feel all muddled and it feels like it was a long time ago, though I’m sure it can’t have been more than a few hours ago.

Whenever I go outside, I seem to run into him.

Samson.

I think I was sitting when he found me. Maybe. I’m not entirely sure. Memory feels hazy about that. Anyway.

He ran into me and we started talking. I think he began by teasing me. What are you doing out here? In a pretend lecture voice and all. One of those moments in which just randomly get along and seem to be on the same page and I know it seems silly but I really love those moments. Ever since we… had that fight, it’s like Samson goes out of his way to be nice to met and not upset me.

How ironic.

I was paging through this journal earlier and I found this entry about this girl who completely fell apart over a boy. And I wrote about how I never wanted that to be me, yelling and crying and calling out to him. Falling apart over a really stupid boy.

But I did that, didn’t I?

Samson had me convinced that I’m not really special and that my arrogance was a fault and all this stupid stuff. And at first, I was just really angry. Because it was actually mean of him to saying something like that. Like, I’m Samson and I’m mach blah blah blah too cool for an annoying kid like you.

And then I talked to Gavin and for a bit we kind of talked about Samson and Gavin was like “Maybe he’s intimidated by you which made sense and then… didn’t. I’m not really an intimidating person, right? But I thought, sure. Maybe I could, I don’t know, convince him I’m okay? Gavin was real nice, too, about it and we talked about other stuff. But I was still angry with Samson.

Then, a couple days later, I ran into Samson.

Actually, he ran into me.

And we fought.

We were at the gate and I was sitting there to avoid him and everyone in the castle. And it was bad and it was like he admitted that yeah, I annoyed him and he didn’t like me and yet he was nice enough to leave his coat with me before he stormed away and then I crumbled and began to cry. I really broke down with lots of tears and stuff.

Because Samson had managed to convince me that I was some terrible, annoying kid and that I pretty much was just kidding myself. He had me believing that he really hated me and all. So I cried.

I didn’t have his approval, so I cried, which is strange, because I’ve never had to have anyone’s approval. Never have I cared if anyone liked me or accepted me but from the start, it was a challenge, to get Samson to accept me and I failed and it tore me up.

Because, for this brief time, my world fell apart. He made my world I knew fall to pieces by shattering my confidence and assurity. And that wasn’t like me.

But for about two weeks, nothing mattered and I avoided Samson as well I could. I went to classes but was quiet and blended in and I stayed in my dorm and would only slip to the Great Hall to grab something quick and go back to my dorm. My time was spent reading and sleeping and hiding. Not just from Samson, but from Juni, from Aiden, from Callie.

Aiden was there that day, when he found me this pathetic, pitiful mess, curled up in a ball, crying beneath Samson’s coat.

When I decided to burn his coat, though, I ran into him and we talked and he told me I wasn’t actually annoying and… I guess everything fell into place. He told me he doesn’t hate me and to this day, he hasn’t been angry and we haven’t fought and we’ve gotten along.

Oh geez, I’ve gotten far off subject and Juni is waiting to go to dinner so I’ll finish up later.

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[9:11 pm]

Mmm. Hogwarts’ roast beef is almost as good as Lorelei’s.

Went to dinner with Juni and we sat with Mister Ryan and talked and were silly. Mistery Ryan calls me Missy Issy and it always makes me giggle. It was a good meal – very fun.

About earlier today. It was a lovely day and I wish I had a pensieve to store it in because details are so hard to write. After teasing me, Samson and I talked about silly nonsense and we joked about an army of evil snowmen and How I would teach them grammar and he kept calling me “little flower” which always makes me feel silly in a very good way.

I asked him to give me a Hogwarts tour, one most people don’t see. I wanted him to show me his Hogwarts. All the places with stories behind them.

We were walking, talking about this, and then, very suddenly, he grabbed me and pulled me behind these trees, where no one could see us.

It was silly but…

My heart stopped.

And so did my breathing.

And I wondered What’s he going to do?

Silly as it is, I wondered – Is he going to kiss me?

Or tell me something important?

Nettie’s first kiss came behind trees. And Tait “asked me out” behind trees. Even Missy had behind-the-tree-rendezvous’. It wasn’t so silly of me then, was it?

Either way, Samson just made me promise to tell no one, so I did and we went back to the path. As it we walked, though, he strayed from the normal cobblestone and then IT BEGAN TO SNOW!

We both got really excited and I danced around and, for a moment, Samson seemed utterly boyish. Like Matti ihn the snow. And it’s really corny to say but it felt absolutely magical. Like a snow globe. :]

He bet me a million galleons I couldn’t count all the snow flakes and maybe I imagined it but he seemed to smile at me more and watch me more.

Then he guided me to more trees where a small pond was hidden and we were hidden. To be honest it felt very… it was another silly feeling that had to do with Samson and I connecting so well. Of course, I managed to ruin such majesty and slipped on a hidden icy patch, because it seems a ritual that he and I must fall around each other. He caught me, though, and my heart completely stopped and so did my breathing and I’m sure it must’ve been because I nearly fell where I’d have hit my head on a rock.

However, the weird part was that Samson held onto me entirely longer than necessarily or typical of him and… ag, it’s embarrassing to write but he looked so sweet. So different and soft, all his features just… softer than usual and I wanted to ruffle his hair.

Then he set me down and moved around the pond. Over there he was throwing rocks and I finally found out his age (He’s a second year. Already thirteen and due to be fourteen this August.)

We chatted a short while longer before Samson decided we ought to head back. And then, he took my arm and guided me back out, and I laughed when the snow dumped on his hair and we made our silent way back to the school.

Where we had another weird little moment, where we’d said good bye and we had decided to continue the tour tomorrow but… he was just standing there, looking at me and I felt wrong to move so I remained standing there and… then he finally just TORE off.

It was weird.

And felt like a moment but surely can’t’ve been. Samson is just a best friend is all.

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