"Hey! Don't laugh! Or, or, or!" Fern searched for a decent threat. It wasn't like she knew any really good spells. And she couldn't feed him to the giant squid; she was reserving that honor for the sorting hat. "I'll put bubotuber pus in your porridge, and you'll have boils the size of HIPPOGRIFFS!" Yeah. Yeah. Take that, mean boy!

"And I'm not funny! You just have a bad sense of humor! And are rude!"

Fern was done here. She put her homework into her sparkly unicorn tote and was reaching for the empty bottle of ink, when she heard his question. "It's a gossip column." Duh. She rolled her eyes. "Haven't you ever read Witch Weekly before?"

...

What. What did he just say?!

Eyes bulging, face flushed dark red, Fern made several weird choking sounds before finally managing to scream, "YOU ARE THE MEANEST BOY I HAVE EVER MET IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!!"