In the great Muggle Classic 1984 (by George Orwell, you cretins), there are telescreens in every room, and Big Brother watches constantly, waiting for one - wrong - move.

Unfortunately for the poor overworked Professors, this is impossible at Hogwarts, owing to the fact that due to the magic surrounding our school (and maybe also the overfrantic activity in the Astronomy Tower, ha, thought we didn't know about that did you?), no doubt the telescreens would all explode. And then all the poor students would run screaming for their lives as a cascade of fiery ashes and spoilt bits and pieces of machinery pelt them.

So-o-o-o, what's the next best thing?

That's right, get a nosy little tattletale to write it all down and expose all your nasty little wrongdoings!

Mwahahaha - chokes - ha.

And that is where I come in!

Let me introduce myself, dear, undoubtedly freaked-out readers, I am the infamous Peony, or Big Brother of the Hall of Shame. Sister, maybe, because I'm a girl, but that's beside the case. And my job is to make all the wrongdoers found squirm in shame as I expose their stupid, pointless, and rather tasteless activites. Or maybe glow in glory, you know how egoistical these trouble makers are.

I'm the one who watches out for the moron who subsituted the nurse's medicine with chocolate (and as a result, our poor school matron might be facing a lawsuit by the same people who tried to sue McDonalds for making them fat). While I'm not the one who has to undo the toilet paper strewn all over the staffroom and sort out the overhormone-ised kids who go skinnydipping in the lake (thereby ruining it for anyone who has eyes), I'm the one who writes about it.

What better way is there to get in the news? Trust me: loads. But if you can't think of any other way...

You'll soon wish you had.

Mwahahahahahahaha - chokes - ha.