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Old 01-13-2010, 08:35 AM   #88 (permalink)
MalfoyzBeloved
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And a big chunk of this chapter I rewrote (the italicized section) so that it makes much more sense... either way, if you find it confusing, just ask! It's important and should hopefully basically answer the meaning of the fan fiction title.
It's seriously a phrase/word. I didn't make it up. Google it! (that's how I found it)

Enjoy!
~Sarah



Chapter 22
The Fainting


I had started distancing myself from Harry slightly, still trying to figure everything out. He didn’t push things, but I could tell he was worrying. Something deep down told me I should console him about it, but another part of me said that there’s no point, that it’s a waste. It kind of is, considering I’m causing his stress.

The next few weeks flew by, and it was mid-March. The games for House Cup were coming up in the start of April, so I was out on the field with the team for a good 5 days of the week; both Saturday and Sunday, and random weekdays after classes. It was difficult to handle homework and friends, so I used that as an excuse to blow off Harry. I felt bad for doing it, honestly. This kind of lying I had no problems with, but when it comes to letting Harry believe I’m Sirius’s kid and keeping the truth of my future from him I feel all guilty?

Something’s wrong with me. Hogwarts is definitely softening me.

“Ok, I think we’ve done enough for today!”

The team descended to the pitch ground and hopped off their brooms. I took a bit longer, my head spinning. I landed and climbed off.

“Great work, once again. You’re all doing great.”

My vision began to blur, swimming in a pool of black before me.

“It’s not much longer until the matches that count begin. Keep it up!”

I stumbled slightly, grabbing the shoulder of Dalton, our beater. His arm wrapped around me to keep me upright.

“You ok, Black?” Montague asked me, her eyebrows scrunching together worriedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine...” I stood up straight, letting go of Dalton. His arm dropped from around my waist.

“You might want to rest, you’ve been doing a lot more than I expected.”

So what, she had low expectations from me?

“And I do mean that positively. Really, it would be best if...”

I didn’t hear the rest of her sentence. Everything around me faded to black, my hearing muting out the world.

~~~


I looked around me, taking in the looming oak trees around me. The leaves were very green, sunshine reflecting off every one of them. Looking down, I saw my two, bare pale feet clashing against the dirt, forest trail beneath them. I followed the path until I stood before wrought-iron gates that were shut firmly. Looking through the gaps between the bars, I saw a large midnight black mansion. I recognized it immediately; this was my second official home, the first place I remember living in Britain. The Black Manor. Literally.
“Nice, isn’t it?”
I spun around and faced a man. He was a few inches taller than me, his styled, chin-length hair blowing in the wind like a raven’s wing. There was something about his eyes that looked familiar.
“Who’re you?” I asked curiously.
“I’m Regulus.”
I blinked, confused and surprised. The moment he offered a smile, my memories of the photo album pictures I’ve seen for so many years in the past hit me.
“Black?” I squeaked.
He nodded.
“What’re you doing here? How’re you here? Why...?” my questions came out in a rush; I had so much to ask in so little time. Who knew when I’d wake from this dream?
“Calm down,” he said gently. “I’m not here long, just until you wake up. It seems you’ve separated from your conscious, so...”
I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “If this has to do with Harry...”
“Potter?” he finished. I just looked at him, an eyebrow raised expectantly. “That’s not entirely it, though. For years you’ve been without a true conscious.”
“So what, you’re here after going off and getting yourself killed for some house elf to tell me I need to be a better person?” I demanded, crossing my arms indignantly.
Regulus looked like he got slapped in the face. In the blink of an eye, though, he regained his composure. “No, I’m trying to help you see what you’ve turned away from. Facing guilt, creating a web of lies because you’re applying sub rosa to your life unnecessarily...”
“Sub rosa?” I cut in, confused. This was ridiculous; he’s my biological father, one I never met before for that matter. He shouldn’t really have the right to tell me what to do.
“It denotes secrecy; confidentiality. And what you’re doing is something that’s only hurting yourself. Hiding the truth about your future, lying...” his jaw clenched and he continued, “About your parentage...”
“How can you know all of this? You’re dead.” My tone was so flat, it was harsh. I didn’t really care; did this guy really deserve any of my attention? He hasn’t been there for any of my life after all.
“I’ve watched you grow up. I never truly left you and your mother. All spirits never leave completely, really. I’ve been tied to you and your mother for your entire life; you might know it more so as a ‘guardian angel’. Anyways,” he shifted his tone slightly, indicating a change in topic. “One thing that... confuses me are your lies. Why do you let everyone besides your friends believe likewise of what is really my position?”
“It’s easier,” I replied automatically.
“How so?”
“There’s a lot less to explain,” I replied, shrugging.
“Do you honestly like being thought of as my... brother’s daughter?” He had difficulty getting out the term ‘brother’.
“It’s not about what I like, is it? It’s about what’s easier.”
“You’re letting your mum come off badly.”
“She comes off bad either way. In both stories she comes off as a slu...”
“Alright,” he cut in, his tone frustrated. “Before you head down the same path your mother does, why have you been trying to convince yourself you were lying when you told Harry you loved him?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but the question was not what I expected he would ask. How can someone so distant know such a personal thing?
“I did,” I replied coldly. He was shaking his head before I finished.
“You know you didn’t. Even I can tell. I know you think your mum might have a problem with it – considering her beliefs still, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did – but that doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“How would you know?” Before he could even answer, I turned around and tried to walk away, heading towards the forest where I could be lost, wandering forever. A hand on my shoulder stopped me.
“That’s not the point, Rosa. You’ve had endless opportunities to experience starting anew, being whoever you want to be because you’ve moved to so many different places. Somewhere along the way, you realized you could be anyone and anything you desire, which turned into lying. I can’t say I completely understand, but I know where you’re coming from. Trying to get out of something you hate, but feeling tied to it; conflicted between what’s expected of you and what’s right.”
“And in the end, doing what’s right killed you.” I turned around and looked up into his grey eyes.
“Because when I did do what’s right, I didn’t do it correctly. If I’d thought it through, if I gave myself more time and consideration, I’d be with you and your mother and everything would be different. But you can’t change what’s already happened, you can only fix it.”
“There’s nothing to fix.” I tried to shut out his words and every feeling rushing through me, but it only became more powerful; it hurt.
“There’s a lot that needs to be changed. You’re starting to lie to yourself, and that isn’t healthy. Feeling guilty about what happened proves what you said is true. You know it.”
I scoffed. “Alright, so you’re here to tell me crap. What’s next? ‘By trying to hurt Draco you’re trying to hide the truth’?”
“That’s for you to decide,” he replied elusively. “But you have to decide before it’s too late.”
“‘Too late’? You won’t tell me when that is?”
He smiled. “Only time will tell.” He then started to fade away, the wind carrying away the image before me.
“Wait...” I started to call, reaching out for the empty space before me.


I groaned and turned my head. It flopped onto something rather soft. I started to slowly open my eyes. Aurelia, Daphne, her boyfriend, Dalton, and Draco were on my left side.

Wait... Draco?

“Wha’ ‘appened?” I grumbled, starting to sit up.

“You probably should wait.” Aurelia pushed me back down. I scowled and didn’t bother fighting it.

“You fainted on the pitch,” Dalton said. My eyes flicked to him. “Nearly cracked your head on your broom. If you weren’t right next to me you probably would’ve.”

“Well... thanks then.” I managed a smile. I then turned to Draco. “What’re you doing here?” I asked flatly.

“I was with him when Daphne dragged him off to come here.” He pointed to Shane, Daphne’s boyfriend.

“Bu...” Shane started to say. Draco glared a cold warning at him.

“Couldn’t resist seeing my ‘just desserts’, hey?”

He looked at me and scowled, refusing to respond. I turned to Dalton. “How long was I out?”

“It’s been about half an hour.”

I winced and started to sit up again. “Don’t!” I snapped, glaring at Aurelia as she started to try and push me back down. I swatted her hand away and sat entirely upright.

“Madam Pomfrey?” I called.

Moments later, the nurse came hurrying to my side. “Take his before moving any more than you already have.” He forced a cup into my hand. I took it down, cringing at the horrid taste the entire time. After I finished it, my head stopped spinning and the mild blurriness of everything before me dissolved to normality.

“Now you should be ok to go,” she told me as she took the cup back. “If you do get lightheaded and faint again, come back immediately.” With that said, she hurried away to some moaning kid in the furthest corner of the hospital wing.

Now Aurelia was more willing to help. She pulled me off the bed and to my feet. When I wavered on the spot, she stabilized me with her hands on my shoulders. She then turned to Dalton.

“You can go tell that captain of yours to lay off this intensive training thing she’s started on!” she snapped. “Next thing you know, your seeker will faint mid-game in April and cost you guys the game because she’s been working you all so hard!”

Dalton had this look of a deer seeing a low-flying broomstick hurtling towards it. “But our captain is our see...”

“Lele!” I snapped, stopping her rant. “Don’t yell at him about it, it’s not his fault.”

“But it’s not yours,” she pointed out, turning to me.

“It is; I’m the one that blacked out, not him. Now come on guys,” I looked at Daphne, Shane, and Draco, who were just standing next to my bed, watching. “Drama’s over.”

Without another word, Daphne dragged Shane off.

“Aren’t you going to go back to hanging out with the one you felt the need to follow here?” I snapped at Draco. He just rolled his eyes and walked away, following the couple at a distance.

“Thanks,” I said to Dalton, looking up at him.

“Not a problem.” He smiled and turned, walking away and passing through the hospital wing door.

“Ok, what were you dreaming?” Aurelia asked as soon as the door shut. I was completely taken by surprise at that.

“What?”

“You were mumbling something about black, love, guilt, Draco, and Harry. You should’ve seen Draco’s face after his name came from your mutters... and after Harry’s name came out. That one was the better.”

I didn’t laugh.

“Ok, what’s wrong? Normally you’d be all happy thinking of those priceless expressions.”

I started to walk away, leaving Aurelia behind, but she caught right up to me.

“Come on, Rosa, you can tell me anything.”

I still didn’t respond. I opened the hospital wing door. Aurelia grabbed it before I could let go and followed me right out and down the corridor. She kept pestering me with questions until I stopped.

“Look, I don’t want to talk about it right now, ok?” I sighed irritably.

“Fine,” Aurelia huffed, walking off and leaving me alone.

I used this time to go into the library and find a book to help take my mind off that odd ‘dream’. I got bored of the book quickly, so I asked for a quill, ink, and parchment from various people already studying here and just wrote.

All of these lies are getting to me. That dream I just had about my father telling me to ‘free the guilt’ and ‘stop applying sub rosa to my life’ and whatnot was just plain odd. Maybe I should just tell him I don’t...

My hand trembled, spilling droplets of ink from the quill tip onto the parchment and blotched over ‘don’t’. I couldn’t finish writing that sentence, it was too big a lie to put onto paper. I crossed it out and started again.

My father is right. I can’t believe it, but it’s right. I’m lying not only to him but to myself. I really do love Harry Potter.


“What’re you writing?”

I scrunched up the paper and tore as much as possible, holding the pieces into a ball. I looked up and saw Ginny Weasley staring down at me.

“Nothing of importance.” I held up the ripped pieces to prove that it literally wasn’t important. She smiled.

“Right.” She pulled out a chair and sat on the other side of the table. “Why does Kreacher call you mistress?”

I blinked, surprised. “What?”

“I went to ask Dobby for a favour and started talking with Kreacher.”

I scoffed. I couldn’t believe this girl; is she really lacking so much self-awareness that she doesn’t realize how she lets off? “You really suck at lying. Admit it; you went to speak to this creature thing.”

“No, Kreacher. A house elf. Not a creature.”

I shrugged and looked down at the feathered quill I began twirling in my hand.

“Maybe he thinks any Black in Slytherin is great,” I pointed out. He does seem to think strongly of blood purity; even if Sirius really was my father I bet Kreacher wouldn’t even care because I’m the total opposite of that Gryffindor blood traitor.

“Or maybe he knows something you aren’t telling us.” Her eyes narrowed on me, suspicious.

I shrugged nonchalantly, but my mind was racing; was she just messing with me, or did she know?

“We all have our own little secrets, right?” I responded simply, smiling slightly.

“Something like ‘I almost became bound to an Unbreakable Vow’ is a little secret...” her voice lowered. “Something like ‘My father isn’t who I claim he is’, not so much.”

I could feel the blood rise onto my cheeks, the only thing that gave me away when I said, “You’re crazy.”

“Then why blush?”

I didn’t respond.

“Look, Rosa, if that is your real name, you might have been able to fool Harry into believing you’re the last connection to Sirius there is besides the grimy house your family comes from and the spawn of a house elf, Kreacher, but you know it can’t last. Not all lies told often enough become the truth.”

“You don’t know everything,” I snapped, glaring coldly at the Weasley girl.

“Well I’m the road to finding out, aren’t I?” she responded, smiling innocently. “This is pretty big, after all; who knew Regulus Black cared for someone else besides You-Know-Who?”

My jaw clenched; she’s lucky she doesn’t know the truth.

“I always wondered, deep down, what happened to Sirius’s younger brother. I guess he would’ve rather died than lived to see you do this to yourself.”

“You take that back,” I snarled.

“Why? It’s the truth. You’ve been depriving many people of such the luxury for so long,” she replied coolly.

My hands gripped the edge of the table so hard, my knuckles went as white as snow. I wasn’t about to take this from an insolent little girl. I got up loudly, my chair falling in a clatter behind me.

“Sh!” Madam Pince chided in annoyance.

“Sorry,” I said sweetly, smiling.

The librarian sighed and walked away. When she was out of sight, disappearing behind the tall, book-lined shelves, my eyes hardened. Not only was this girl wasting my valuable time, she was getting me in trouble? I turned back to Weasley with every muscle tensed; the little Weasley’s eyebrows were raised rather mockingly.

“You don’t know anything,” I growled.

“I know a lot more than anyone outside of your House knows.”

My laugh was scathing. “Really? You think every Slytherin knows? Think again; there’s only one that knows and that’s because I’ve had the misfortune of knowing him since I was 4.”

“You hate Malfoy that much? Why?” she asked suspiciously, her brown eyes narrowing.

“You. Know. Nothing,” I repeated, my voice low.

“Then inform me,” she snapped, getting up from her seat. “Tell me why you’re leading Harry on, about to crush him because you’re so convincing.”

“You think you know everything, don’t you? You think because you have one tidbit of my life; that means it’s totally game over for me. Well you know what, think all you want. For all you know, I’ve decided not to use Harry. Maybe I love him.”

Weasley started laughing.

“You may be able to convince everyone around you, but you can’t fool me. You’re a chronic liar who feels the need to protect yourself from everyone else because you’re too embarrassed to admit the truth.”

“What truth?!”

“Sh!”

“Fine!” I snapped at the librarian.

“If you two must fight loudly, take it outside!” the librarian snapped. “Once more and I’m kicking you out personally.” She then walked away, leaving us alone in a corner at the library study table.

“That you’re illegitimate.”

The ink bottle, only filled a third of the way, started to levitate threateningly between us. My eyes, though, hadn’t moved from Weasley.

“There are others in the school that legitimately care about Harry. If you don’t tell him the truth yourself, I’ll do it.”

“Wow, you’re so desperate to be with him you’ll destroy his happiness? And you think I’m scum,” I scoffed.

The ink bottle flew out of my magical hold and into Weasley’s hand. I tore it away and shielded it from her magic, letting it hover where it was before.

“At least I don’t come last in my family. You’ve got 6 older brothers that come before you. I’d rather be an only child than cramped in some burrow.” The ink bottle flew into my hand, the quill following its lead. “You’ve got a lot to learn.”

I turned around and walked away, my entire body starting to shake in anger. I gave the quill and ink back to the person I borrowed them from without even stopping. My mind was racing; this girl could ultimately ruin everything I had built up since arriving at Hogwarts. I had everyone convinced I was the illegitimate child of Sirius Black. The only reason Slytherins tolerated me was because my mother is from Slytherin. The only one who knows the truth, and surprisingly kept it secret, is Draco Malfoy.

As I exited the library, my thoughts turned to Harry. If the Weasley girl did tell him, what would happen? He’d probably loathe me to the core; a true Slytherin, a liar, a wavering supporter of the Dark Lord. He probably didn’t know the truth about who my biological father really was; what he did for the cause Harry supports. Would that change things?

Or would he think I’m trying to lie further?

Tears began to blur my vision and I hurried to the main hall. Forget the common room, I just needed to be alone. I ran through the main doors, the tears finally starting to fall. I kept running, heading for the quiet beach.

“Rosa?”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I yelled back, recognizing Draco’s voice without a second thought. Before the hospital wing, I hadn’t spoken to him any more than required since the day before Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t be bothered to start a fight with him to feel better now.

I ran along the beach, heading for the cover of the edges of the Forbidden Forest. When I couldn’t run anymore, I fell onto a grassy mound, wrapping my arms around my legs and burying my face into my knees, finally able to let the tears fall.
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Last edited by MalfoyzBeloved; 09-28-2010 at 10:22 PM.
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