Hello! This is a one shot song fic, so keep note that there will be no more posts after this- moderators, I'll request that it be moved to the Finished Fanfiction section after a month or so. Okay, here you go- Numb
(Peter’s Story)
Music played, people laughed, talking. Christmas decorations were in nearly every corner of the house. Dumbledore had hired a pianist, who played Christmas carols of all sorts, while people danced on the dance floor. Peter watched silently from the refreshments table.
Lily and James were, of course, out on the dance floor, dancing very slowly in each other’s arms. Sirius was entertaining several girls over at a table with stories of his ‘Marauderhood’. Even Remus was dancing with a girl he had been going steady with for the past few months.
Peter had been trying to pick up a girl at the food table, but no one seemed to come over. He watched the others with a dark, pulsing jealousy.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Peter had to stop himself from glaring at the whole lot of them, remembering that he needed to keep where his true loyalties were a secret. He quickly stepped outside, hoping no one had noticed his brief slip.
The freezing night air made Peter shiver, but it was better than sitting inside with the overly cheerful Order members. Peter saw no reason to be celebrating. Life was terrible.
He looked around to make sure there was no one around, then pulled up the sleeve of his robe, ignoring that sharp, burning pain on his arm as it was exposed to the bitter weather. Peter mutter a small spell that his Master had taught him, rubbing a spot on his forearm. The Dark Mark appeared. His true alliance…
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Whispers of doubt entered his mind. Was his Master really what he wanted? To serve some power-hungry lunatic for the rest of his life? His Master was so demanding and controlling. And unforgiving.
And yet, it would give him… power. It would make him rise above all the others, to finally not be seen as just the ’tag along’, or the one that James just hung around because he pitied him. He would have power… respect…
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
And every second I waste is more than I can take
But who would actually respect him? Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, and the Order surely wouldn’t. Other Death Eaters… but that wasn’t much to have pride in… He hated half of them anyways… people who used to tease him in school.
And James, Sirius, Remus, and even Lily and her friends would come to his rescue. Did he really want to kill the people who had saved his skin hundreds of times?
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
But they were so much smarter than him. It wasn’t fair that they were intelligent and good looking, and he was stupid and ugly. Wasn’t it only right that he was like them?
Surely they would have done the same if they had been in his place.
The question really was, Peter decided,
could he kill them? Would he have the guts to be loyal enough to his master to give him the piece of information that would clear his path to world domination? The catch was
who he was giving information about. His best friend ever since they had run into each other in Diagon Alley back in his first year, and his wife and child. Well, as of now, future child.
And I know
I may end up
Failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you.
He regretted joining his Master. Life would have been so much easier if he had never done it.
But he had. Nothing could change that. The Dark Mark was irremovable. A Death Eater named Isaiah had tried to get rid of his Dark Mark using every way he could think of. Finally, he cut off the arm that the Dark Mark was on. Isaiah had been sent to St. Mungo’s when he was found bleeding to death in his apartment.
Soon after he had recovered, Voldemort had captured him and tortured him for hours. “Show them!” Voldemort had crowed. “Show them that you are still my follower!”
When Isaiah had refused to do whatever Voldemort had wanted him to do, Voldemort had ripped off his shirt, revealing the Dark Mark on his chest. Then he had killed the traitor.
Peter shuddered. He didn’t want to die.
But the only way to stay alive was to sell out Lily and James.
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
His life… or Lily and James’. Peter thought about dieing… more specifically,
his dieing. For his life to end… to never see his friends again… there was so much he wanted to still do in his life… 24 years was hardly anything.
Peter looked at the Order members dancing happily from a window. He shut his eyes and turned away. To betray them all…
But to have respect… power… was it worth it?
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you.
There wasn’t any backing out when it came to his Master. Once you were in, you were in until the day you died. Of course, you only found that out after you joined. His Master was tricky like that.
Peter stared at the Dark Mark. At times, it was the source of his pride, his pleasure… and others, it was a dirty mark of shame, that made him feel unclean. A love hate relationship. With a mark on his arm.
All I want to do
Is be more like me
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I've become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
To betray his only friends… If he should kill Lily and James (and their unborn child), he would without a doubt lose all of his current friends… And never have any again. What was his friendship with them worth?
So much. His friends had always been there for him, always helped him. They had done things for him that no one else would have ever done. His friends had supported him, helped him in bad times. And this was their reward?
Yet so little. Friendship was a trivial thing. What did your friends matter in end? When you were dead and gone, did people wonder who you were friends with? No, but they’d sure remember someone who was powerful, smart, handsome, clever…
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Peter pictured himself like his Master… clever, charismatic, smart, respected, bowed down to, widely feared, always one step ahead, and, most of all, powerful. Oh yes, very powerful. And all would bow to him, tremble in his presence.
Peter smiled. What a lovely dream.
Please R&R!!
Numb 
