Snape's Busy Day


Time: Harry's 6th year

Note: The take off point of this story is ripped off, err, err, adapted from the fic Bouncing Baby Boy. Ah forget who wrote it so if it's yours please PM me and Ah'll note you.

Over the years since the time of the marauders the houses have become more and more polarized. By the time of Harry's sixth year it's become near open warfare with Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw on one side and Slytherin on the other. Snipers lurked behind statues and suits of armor in the halls hurling hexes and curses at passersby. Nurse Pumphry was kept busy trying to put them all back together. Sometimes she couldn't.

Ginny was walking to charms class with a group of fifth year girls (nobody was out in the halls alone these days) when Draco, Pansy and a few other snakes ambushed them from behind the tapestry of Igor the Drooling. They unleashed some pretty potent magic, but the girls gave a good accounting of themselves.

One of the girls was caught by an aging spell and nearly disabled in a matter of seconds. Ginny tried to cast a rejuvenating spell but had to jump to avoid an attack. Her aim was wild and the spell bounced off of a mirror and hit Draco. As he thrashed about on the floor his comrades panicked and fled.

With the attack broken off the girls helped their stricken members to hospital wing but Ginny stood staring at the results of her spell. From under a crumpled up pile of black fabric came the high pitch wail of a toddler. Pulling away the robe and hat she found a boy barely three years old with platinum blond hair and silver eyes. He kicked her in the shins.

"WAHHHH! You BAD lady. Me Want Uncle Sevie! ME WANT UNCLE SEVIE!!"

*******

Dumbledor sat behind his desk looking wearily at the intruders of his solitude. Snape and McGonagall stood glaring daggers at each other while Nurse Pumphry struggled trying to calm the hysterical child. Ginny was trying his best to become invisible without actually using magic. "ME WANT UNCLE SEVIE!! ME WANT UNCLE SEVIE!!" the boy screamed.

"Professor Snape, do I need to guess who this 'Uncle Sevie' is?"

The potions master's face briefly changed from rage to embarrassment. "I must admit, Headmaster, I am Mr. Malfoy's godfather. I was a frequent visitor of Malfoy Manor during his formative years and he seems to have reverted to those early memories." The nurse shoved the child into his black clad arms where it suddenly quieted.

Dumbledor turned to the Nurse. “Poppy, how soon can we expect Mr. Malfoy to, err, return to his normal self?”

“I’ve no idea, Headmaster. I’ve never come across this situation before. All of the counter curses I’ve tried have had no effect.”

Snape’s face looked oddly pleased watching the cooing infant. When he noticed people watching him he was his usual discontented self. “Well, I can’t stand around all day holding this infant. I have classes to prepare for. And as it’s plain that Miss Wesealey is at fault, I’m happy to hand over the responsibility.” He thrust Malfoy into her arms.

“I’m afraid I must agree.” said Dumbledor. “Although it was Mr. Malfoy’s attack that caused the predicament, he cannot be expected to care for himself in his present condition.” The toddler glared up at Ginny but uttered not a sound. “However, Professor Snape, since the child responds to your attentions I will require you to put in some time in his care. That way we all might get some sleep.”

He took off his half moon spectacles and wiped them on the sleeve of his robe. “I suppose it is pointless to ask the two of you to try to curb you charges natural inclination toward pre meditated mayhem?” Both heads of house began to protest that the whole thing was the other’s fault and their students were only acting in self defense. Dumbledor held up his hand in a gesture for them to stop. “I suspected it would be useless. Very well then, you two get on to your classes. Miss Weselaey, you and the Nurse may take Mr. Malfoy to hospital wing and tidy him up. Review S.O.P. for caring for such young children. Then you may take him back to your dorm.” Ginny thought the whole thing monstrously unfair but knew there was no point in arguing.

They all left the old man to brood. Sensing something most people, even magical people, would never have noticed, he went over to the French doors to the balcony and pulled them open. There was a face that filled the opening. It was reptilian, but was also rather dog like and covered with lush white fur. Though it was several stories up in the air there was no flutter of wings. From around its neck hung a pair of fuzzy dice such as Americans of the nineteen fifties hung from their rear view mirrors.

The huge blue eyes were filled with love and wisdom. "Tough day, Al?"

"You said it, Lucky. These people seem bent and determined to drive me out of my gourd."

"Well, I wish you luck. Gotta go." And the great beast was gone.

Ch. 2

Snape stormed about his quarters with a pink polka-doted blue diaper bag over his shoulder. "Where is that dratted girl? She was supposed to be here immediately after breakfast. How I can look after the child and still...?" But then he looked at Draco lying on the bed chewing his own right foot and saying goo goo and such infantile comments.

Much against his will Snape sat down on the bed and cradled his godson. He looked into the silver eyes and said with amusement and regret, "How is it you have such power over me? It's not like you can tell you father about how I'm taking good care of you and get me in good with the Dark Lord, after all."

"Ahhhh!" he gasped grabbing his arm. The Dark Mark was burning like a live coal had been set against his skin. "Speak of the devil. And I use the term advisedly. He summons me at the most awkward times. Where is..."

"Sorry I'm late professor, I..."

"Spare me your excuses. Just take Mr. Malfoy up to your common room. I have work to do." His voice betrayed him not a wink but his face showed the pain he had just experienced.

"Professor, are you all..."

"Get OUT of here!" She got.

Snape took a pinch of powder from the jar over the fire place in his room. Hurling it into the fire he said, "Monks Farm" and whoosh he was gone.

*******

Monks Farm was aptly named, at least it was when it was built about five hundred years ago. It had been planned as a self sustaining monastery for one of the larger orders. In fact the monks who worked there were so efficient that they had a surplus most years and made a tidy sum from the marketing of their produce. With this money the abbots bought ancient scrolls from the mid east, some of which turned out to be rituals of the Greek gods. Some of the monks tried to re-enact the rituals and... well that was the end of things there.

With a history of magic it wasn't odd that the place was found comfortable by the greatest wizard of all time (or so he considered himself). When Snape arrived he found other Death Eaters waiting in the entrance hallway. They always seemed keyed up, but now they seemed actually worried about something. When Death Eaters worry, there must be something to worry about. After the ritual greetings he asked, "What's up?"

They looked over to the door to the main room. They looked like they would like to say something but didn't know how. The there came from the room the strangest sound Snape had ever heard.*

"I feel pretty,
Oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay,
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today.

I feel charming,
Oh so charming,
It's alarming how charming I feel,
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real."

There dancing about the room was none other than the Dark Lord himself. Or was he floating? No, his legs were moving but his feet were not touching the floor. And instead of his traditional black robes he was in rainbow hued gossamer. Snape was reminded of a long forgotten saying, "Don't laugh, it kept me out of the army."

The floating arch fiend notice Snape and plummeted downward greeting him. "Peter, Peter you naughty boy. How dare you keep me waiting." Voldemort's half closed eyes gave the most supercilious smirk. "Really now. You may be The Pan, you may rule the lost boys, but you must never keep waiting."

"Uh, yes of course my lord. I..."

"No no no, Peter. You must call me by my proper name."

"Uh, um... your proper name?"

The formerly Dark Lord gave a low throaty laugh that made even Snape's skin crawl. "I am Tinkerbell! Come, dance with me Peter." And the professor found himself lifting off of the floor and soaring about the room in Voldemort's arms.

*******

After what seemed an eternity the barmy young codger released the potions master who made for the entry hall. He asked Lucious Malfoy, "What in the name of all that's evil is happening here?"

Malfoy shrugged. "I don't know. He's been like that since the first of us arrived."

Crabbe said grimacing, "At least he didn't call you Wendy."

Before returning to Hogwarts Snape noticed three dementors entering the building. The one in the middle had a slow, loose jointed gait and paused every few steps to say, "Moooooooooo."

Snape said, "What's with him?"

"You tell him Bob."

"No, you tell him Bill."

"SOMEBODY TELL ME!"

The one called Bill said, "He thinks he's a cow. We've been around this dratted farm too long."

Approaching the fireplace for the trip back to Hogwarts Snape noticed through the window an enormous white furred creature high in the sky.

I Feel Pretty*Leonard Bernstein/Stephen Sandheim

Ch. 3

That evening as Snape sat at the faculty table he wondered just how he would report his findings to Dumbledor. The old man had a reputation for barmyness but this might be beyond even his limits. Snape was brought from his revelry by the rustle of grass skirts behind him. He heard Dumbledor say, "I tell you, Sybil, it's the simplest thing in the world. Hula dancing fits in with the natural rhythm of the human body. You just need to unhitch your brain and let your hips go where they like."

"Well I'm trying, Headmaster. But it's hard to focus. This blasted coconut bra itches so." she said adjusting the straps.

"Mine too." said the old wizard scratching his pectoral.

*******

After dinner Dumbledor stood up and said, "May I have your attention, please. One of the unfortunate results of the recent spate of inter-cameral warfare was the untimely demise of the DADA teacher. It is the opinion of some that he couldn't have been much good if he couldn't hold his own against a bunch of high school students. We are indeed fortunate to have a replacement so quickly. I want you all to give a big round of applause to Professor Bristow.

The applause was indeed big as a very beautiful young woman, about eight years older than Harry, walked from her seat at the end of the table to stand next to Dumbledor. She brushed her shoulder length brown hair aside and said, "I'd much rather you called me Sidney. Thank you for your warm welcome. I'm certainly glad to be back at Hogwarts. After all the intrigue and backstabbing at the C.I.A. even the Slytherins don't seem so bad."

Ch. 4

Tex Shultz, a student from The States who'd started at Hogwarts the same year as Harry, stomped down the stairs from the boys' dorm steaming mad. He didn't appreciate being introduced this late in the story. In the common room he met a sight that made him forget all his problems. Hermione Granger, the most beautiful girl in the school, stood before him in a contoured sweater, err, jumper, and skirt short enough to be worthy of a daughter of the land that invented the mini. He mused, Her legs look particularly nice in that pink ultra shear.

His stare must have been longer and more obvious than he realized. She said in a good natured sneer, "Having a good time?"

"Uh, Ah beg you pardon Hermione. It's just that you look so good in pink pantyhose." To her confused look he explained, "Err, tights."

Tex himself was out of uniform, it being the weekend. He was dressed in blue denim pants, a snap closed checked shirt and desert brown Stetson hat. He looked much more at home in this rig than the traditional wizard's robe. "So how's Malfoy getting on?"

"Oh, he's fully recovered. It seems he was never all that mature to begin with so the spell didn't have to take him that far back. Did Professor Snape ever find out what happened to Voldomort?" Other than Harry and Dumbledor, Hermione and Tex were the only people at Hogwarts who could say the name out loud.

"Yea, turns out the messenger service from the developing lab made a mistake and sent Warner Brothers a section of sound track meant for Disney. Yako, Wako and Dot thought it was hilarious but Walt Jr. was furious. Well, can't stick around, gotta fly." And with that he went to the window where hovered a white furred back longer than the length of the window. He climbed on board and called out, "Geddiup!" and was gone.

End

This is HPgurl's dare.

*Voldemort thinks he is Tinkerbell for most of the story, you make up why.
*One of the Dementors, not Bill or Bob, thinks he/she/it? is a cow.
*The dragon/dog thnk from Neverending Story makes 3 or more appearances through out the story.
*Snape must be seen with a blue diaper bag with pink polka-dots, caring for a baby (not being mean to the baby, lol, being abnormally kind to him or her)
*Dumbledor must show up to dinner wearing a hula skirt over his robes, trying to teach Prof. Trelawny how to hula.
*Sidney Bristow (girl form Alias) makes an appearance in the story.
Due date: 4th Feb.

The dare did not include pink tights, but it just wouldn't seem like an Evil Elite Dare without pink tights.

Brilliantly evil. Voldy was a very good Tink, don't you think?

Most Evil work there Mickey!

HAHA that was great!! I loved it!


That part had my laughing so hard! Great job!!