| Puffskein
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Canada
Posts: 2,438
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Harry became totally still, staring back at me with an unfamiliar blankness in his eyes. “What?”
“He’s... not my dad. When you assumed I was Sirius’s illegitimate kid... I just kept to that. It was easier.”
His blank expression started to morph, now appearing as though he was looking at a banshee for the first time.
“Then... who are you? Not a Black at all?” he asked, trying to grasp the meaning of my words.
I shook my head. “I am a Black, just not... Sirius Black’s kid.”
His hands dropped from my waist. “Then who?”
I didn’t quite know which direction to take with this. Never before have I had to admit the truth to such a lie before; this was new to me. “You know he had a brother, right?”
“But that brother died at 18!” Harry’s voice rose, confused.
I raised my hand slightly, gesturing to quiet down.
“My mum is 36. She was pregnant at 18, had me at 19. She knew Regulus for 6 months; after 5 she found out she was pregnant and told him. A month later he disappeared.” Tears welled in my eyes, remembering when I was told the truth about Regulus’s death. I fought them back, refusing to let them fall so early on in the day. “I was told my entire life he was some great... you know, and he just died in the line of fire of an Auror. Considering what my mum fed me about the Dark Lord...”
“Dear Merlin, you’re one of them aren’t you?” Harry exclaimed, stepping back. The small distance between us gripped at my stomach painfully; this was only the beginning of the distance yet to be set between us. “You’ve just been using me, haven’t you?”
“No, listen to me!” I cut in, my tone pleading. “When I came to Hogwarts I was nothing more than a supporter, and that was only because my mum raised me that way. I didn’t know she’d lied to me my whole life about that. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“So you don’t like being lied to, hey? Don’t like how you felt so stupid by being led on?” Harry’s voice rose further, the shock in his eyes hardening to confused anger.
“There’s no need to yell! Please, Harry...” My voice dropped, shaking as I tried to repress the tears that began to pool heavier in my eyes.
“Why should I listen? You lied about this; how can I know when you’re telling the truth? How the hell should I know if you really cared?”
“I thought I wouldn’t be able to like you Harry, to be honest...” A tear slid from my eye. I wiped it away, maddened I showed this weakness. “But... after you told me how you felt, I realized I felt the same. I really do love you.”
Harry laughed. “Right. Like how you ‘love’ Malfoy?”
“Hey!” I snapped, now mad. “I’ve hated that kid since I was 4!”
“Really? How come I have such a hard time believing that now? I’ve seen how he acts around you, how he treats you. At first he seemed rather legitimately vengeful, but after awhile it seemed pretty obvious he was smitten. Who would’ve thought Malfoy would one day know what it was like to feel something for someone besides himself?”
“What?” I was rather bewildered at this; how did Harry guess this? He couldn’t have just seen it... right?
“Oh, come on! How could you not see it? It was so obvious; he actually listened to you in Hogsmeade when you tried to stop that stupid fight he tried to start. He never listens to anyone, not even the professors!”
I sighed. “Ok, look, he told me once he does care, but I didn’t believe him.”
“So he does? What about you?”
“I still hate him!” I think...
His eyebrows rose. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Of all the times my façade could falter.
“What else are you not telling me?” he asked suspiciously. “It has to do with Malfoy, doesn’t it? Are you hiding the truth you two were together the entire...?”
“Ew, no!” I exclaimed. “Together in a sense, but not what you’re thinking...”
“What do you mean, then?” he demanded, his jaw clenching. He was begin to huff, something I figured to be a natural reaction to frustration of not knowing the full story.
I sighed and dug into my left-hand pocket. I pulled out the stupid, bloody diamond ring symbolizing everything I felt so strongly against. I kept in there in case mum said something about putting it on before she could blow up at me about not wearing it; thankfully she never did, she was too focused on me ‘actually graduating’ to care. I held it up to Harry, revealing the rock on the gold band. His face paled; so many emotions were held in his eyes that he became unfathomable to read.
“I never asked for this,” I said, my voice breaking. “For my birthday I got my Firebolt 360 that broke in our House Cup match, a pair of dragon gloves custom-fitted that came directly from Romania... and this.” I shook the hand holding the ring in emphasis. “Apparently my entire life my mum and the Malfoys have been organizing this marriage between us, even though it was obvious that when we were 4 and 5, when we first officially met, we loathed each other. I still loathed him for all of this year. Stalking me and telling me what to do and calling me names and... such...” A traitorous tear trickled down my cheek. “I’m stuck in this engagement I never got a choice over.”
I saw Harry’s expression soften slightly, but not by much. He was wary to feel pity for me, that much was damn clear.
“And Harry?”
His eyes fell onto me, appearing rather harsh.
“That locket? R.A.B? Do you know who he is?”
Harry shook his head no. I was silent for a moment, debating my next step. If I was the same person I was back in September, I would just say that stinks, have a good life, and walk away. But now... I wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. The Dark Lord killed my father, my mother and countless others lied to me...
“It’s my father. Regulus Arcturus Black. Kreacher told me the story; he took the real locket and replaced it with the fake you hold onto now. He wanted to stop the Dark Lord... You-Know-Who,” I corrected myself. My voice was slowly growing fainter the more I spoke. “He had an unfair advantage and was bent of conquest. Regulus wanted equality. Like you. He just got lost along the way.”
Harry sighed and looked away.
“I’m sorry Harry. Really.”
He tensed his jaw, refusing to respond.
“I really do love you Harry. I thought I could protect you from the truth. I guess I was just saving myself... Wanting to believe everything I was telling you was the real me, but in reality... I’m not.” I tried to catch his eyes, but he refused. “I understand if you loathe me to the core. I know how it feels to hate someone that much yet be so confused about it.”
He turned to face me, holding my eyes, but he didn’t reply still. The look of masked pain was enough for me to know no words were even needed.
“You won’t forgive me for this, will you?” I realized. Another tear fell.
He still didn’t reply.
“Please, Harry.” I choked on my words, holding back a sob. I couldn’t take the silence. “Say something. Nod, shake your head, shrug. Anything!”
“I don’t know,” he finally spoke. “I still can’t figure you out.”
I kept his eyes locked with mine. “I could never figure you out either. I thought I did, but... everything I thought that wasn’t likeable about you turned out to be everything I loved.
“Rosa!”
I looked over my shoulder towards where my name being called from. Draco was in the distance, striding towards us. He was a couple hundred feet away, giving me some time. I turned back to Harry.
“Please,” I begged, having no trouble on the word this time. “I’ve never been sorry for anything. I’ve never really had to beg.”
Harry’s jaw tensed.
“Love doesn’t have reason,” I heard him whisper.
More tears fell, and this time I couldn’t stop them all.
“ROSA!”
Harry’s eyes momentarily flickered from me to wherever Draco was, but quickly came back to me.
“Harry?” I whispered. Every emotion raging within me escaped in that one word.
His expression became a stony mask, revealing no emotion as he shook his head. “Goodbye.”
He turned around and walked off. I watched him go, my knees started to shake. With every step that took him further away, I felt my heart tear after him, ripping at the already-broken seams. It was as like shattered glass, breaking into small pieces and cutting me until I bled on the inside. This wasn't the first time I'd broken up with a guy, let alone had to admit to a lie to anyone. Why did this one have to be the hardest?
A hand on my shoulder seemed to be the only thing that kept me upright.
“We really have to go,” Draco said, his voice gentle.
I was trembling beneath his grasp. I felt his eyes burning into me, but I refused to acknowledge him. I couldn’t acknowledge him; it was impossible to move.
“Will you be ok?”
I opened my mouth, but all that came out was a faint, trembling wail. Draco squeezed my shoulder reassuringly.
“Better from you than someone else,” he pointed out carefully.
“I know,” I said, my voice squeaking slightly. “No one said it’d hurt this much.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and turned to look up at Draco.
“You really do look good blonde,” he said, smiling slightly. “If I recall correctly, this is natural?”
I didn’t respond, I wasn’t in the mood to snap or argue.
He pulled me into a hug. I fell into him and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his shoulder and letting the rest of my tears fall. I felt his head resting on top of mine, but I didn’t complain; I liked the warmth. It was the only warmth I could feel right now – everywhere else was cold.
When I’d calmed enough, I pulled away enough to speak. “Why’d you opt to come fetch me?” I asked. Realizing how rude this sounded and, really, it was better he came to get me than anyone else, I quickly added, “And I don’t... mean that badly. Really.”
“I figured you’d rather not explain to your mum why you were speaking to him.”
I looked up at Draco, mildly surprised at his words. He actually considered someone besides himself? Maybe I wasn’t the only one going soft from spending the year at Hogwarts.
One of his hands came up to my cheek, brushing away the wet tear trails on my cheek with his thumb. He wiped the other cheek and asked, “Are you ready to go?”
I shrugged. I honestly never would be ready. The moment I leave Hogwarts, reality will catch up with me; if Harry ever does forgive me for this, I doubt it would ever work out. I’d have to leave everything behind; my mother, maybe my friends... I don’t think that’s something I’d be able to do. Even if it means being stuck in an engagement I’m still dreading horribly. And if I ever was able to do such a thing... would it be too late? Would he have found someone else by then?
Draco’s hand fell from my waist and down my cheek until they were at his sides again. My body began to tremble, so I reached out and took Draco’s hand. His fingers laced through mine and he led me away.
“Are you ok, Rosa?” mum asked worriedly upon my arrival in Draco’s tow.
“Yeah, I just tripped,” I responded, brushing off my knees, pretending there had been something there. “Guess I didn’t stick the landing.”
Mum smiled. “Well come on then, we have to go.” Her eyes flickered to Draco’s and my hands, her smile growing ever so slightly, and she turned around, walking away.
We stopped a few feet from the gates of Hogwarts Castle. I turned to face Draco, ready to tell him ‘thanks’, something he’d never heard me say in all seriousness, not including the time I was half-delusional.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said softly. He looked at my mum and with a real smile said, “Goodbye.” He let my hand go and left, joining his parents further away.
“Are you two finally getting off?” mum asked the moment he was out of earshot, turning to me.
I shrugged in response.
“Either way, at least you aren’t at his throat anymore. It’s a nice improvement.” She smiled supportively.
“I guess,” I mumbled. I wasn’t feeling myself right now; for all either of us knew, being ‘at his throat’ would return soon enough.
She chuckled and took my hand and, together, we Disapparated, leaving behind Hogwarts... leaving behind the one school I thought I could fit in the most at but could never have been more wrong.
When we reappeared in our home and mum walked away, my eyes followed her. She was so... happy. Sure, she lied to me and she didn’t even consider what I wanted when planning my future, but in the end she was only doing what she thought was best for me. She wanted keep me protected.
I felt my defences breaking again as I thought about how I tried to protect myself all of last year. I ran upstairs, leaving my bags behind, and right into my room. It wasn’t until my face hit the pillow I let out the anguished wail I couldn’t release freely earlier, even more tears beginning to pool into the fabric of the pillowcase. I kept my face in the pillow in case I made any more noise. I couldn't risk mum hearing, I had nothing to tell her that would make sense for my behaviour, especially now that I had begun to tremble and couldn't stop.
I guess we share that trait, mum and I. We’ll do anything to protect ourselves and the ones we love, even if it means hurting them and ultimately destroying their trust in us. It hurt when the truth caught up, but it’s not like we know any other way than to be sub rosa.
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