Part 2

“Now I know I’m in the wrong place,” Severus Snape abandoned his biscuit and made a beeline for the door.

The youngest of the men, a slightly pudgy version wearing rumpled robes, jumped to his feet. “N-no, Professor. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If someone s-sent you here, then pull up a chair. I’m sure P-profe… Mr. Lockhart has loads to teach us.” Lockhart smiled vaguely and tried to read his sign upside down.

“You don’t understand, Longbottom,” Snape swirled and his robes swept elegantly around his feet. “I’m the Adonis of the out-of-character fanfiction world. I get all the women, and I’m highly desirable. They hold debates about boxers versus briefs, for Merlin’s sake! I’m not looking for tips to catch a date; I’m looking for the ‘My Fans Keep Writing Me As Sexy’ Support Group.” He eyed those in front of him. “I don’t suppose any of you have that problem.” And with a flurry of robes, he was gone.

The three men remaining in the room turned to where Gilderoy Lockhart sat cross-legged in a chair, chewing on a piece of chalk. “I think we’re ready to begin, Mr. Lockhart,” the red-haired man cleared his throat and sat at attention. “I’ll begin. My name is Percy Weasley, and my mother asked me to come here today. She said I’m not getting any younger, and some wicked person (*coughLissycough*) told her that all I needed to be “normal” again was a nice girl. I think that I’m quite normal, just ambitious, but if you’ve ever met my mother, you know that she can be more than a little persuasive.” He smiled politely and turned to the man next to him.

“Blimey, ‘e is a real talker, inee?” The man slapped his knee. “My name is Stanley Shunpike, but all me friends call me Stan. Ernie says I don’ know nuffink about women, and so ‘ere I am, right?” Stan laughed heartily.

The last man gave a little squeal when they looked at him and tried to hide behind his hands. “M-my name is Neville Longbottom, and I’m afraid of girls. THERE! I’ve said it. I’M AFRAID OF GIRLS.” He slumped into his seat. “I feel so much better.”

Lockhart was chewing on the button on his shirt when Neville finished. “What? OH! My name is…” He checked. “Gil-de-roy Lock-hart. Yes. I like buttons, yes? And socks with toeses. What am I teaching about again?”

Percy cleared his throat, having taken on the roll of spokesman. “We’re here to learn your sage advice on getting a date. More than one, really. Dates. Plural.”

“Oh,” Lockhart nodded as if he suddenly understood the seriousness of his task and stroked his chin. “I think your best bet is to go to the grocery and buy a whole bag of them. I think dates are a bit squishy when ripe.”

Neville eeped, and Stan made an impatient gesture. “No, see… I don’t think you’re unnerstanning us. What about the girls?”

Lockhart nodded again. “You can buy a whole bag of dates. Plenty for you and for your girl. But some girls don’t like dates, so maybe you should buy figs or kiwis or even strawberries.” A little bell rang, and he jumped to his feet. “Well, our time is up for tonight! I have to go back to the hospital and take my little cup of pills.” He blew them kisses and bowed before skipping out of the room.

Percy stood and straightened the pleats in his slacks. “I blame Lissy.”




The Request:
Percy Weasley (hehehehehe - you knew I was ready to say that)
Stan Shunpike - LMAO
Neville Longbottom

Send them to a Wizarding class on how to get a date or something...