SnitchSeeker.com - View Single Post

OtterySt.Catchpole · 08-10-2005, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malmalfoy

I have three more poems to post here. I hope some people start to read them.

I'm here Ms. Malfoy, just like I said I would.

Quote:

So many broken hearts lay in the path of the past of my life. Will he be the one who doesn't spill another drop of ink on my precious parchment I call my path of destiny of life?

It sounds very pretty. But the metaphor in the second sentence is confusing (to me anyways...

sorry Poetry is so not my forte) what are you trying to say? But it does sound very lovely.

I Ask You

I ask you
Did life treat you well?
Did it bring you love,
hope, happiness?
I like how you start it out...but I thought the next line...
Though those are the good
things.
Awkward. Is having good things bad? I'm sorry, it just seemed odd.

Did it also bring you a broken heart,
rejection and disappointment, sadness even?
Well if you must know...LOL. That's a smart question to ask, I like how it balances the other.

I ask you
Did destiny happen the way it was
supposed to?
Now you're delving into the realm of philosophy...
For I wouldn't know,
we've only just met.
All I want to know, will
all those things happen to me too?
Yes.

Will I be blessed with a name that
will fit me?
A name that depicts who I am inside and out?
Will I know that God was right in choosing
the best parents for the job of raising me
until I am ready to go off and prove myself
to the world?
I like that. Interesting...

I ask you
Is walking and talking my first challenge?
They don't seem that hard.
I like that line...it belies the child's innocence and naivete...especially the part about the talking...

Not that hard...some of us spend our whole lives just trying to find someone that will understand us...

Walking is only one foot in front of the other
and talking is moving my lips and making sure
sound comes out.
Yes. They don't seem hard at all.
Here again, like I said before...I love that line because it shows us just how innocent and naive the child in the poem is. *Ottery wonders he was ever that young*

Is the air going to fly through my hair
as I go back and forth on the swing?
I remember that. I love the imagery there, that's pretty.

As I grow up, will I have to experience things
that I really don't want to?
Will the pressure be so much that I will?
This sounded a little too uhm...grown up, which kind of undoes that whole naivete...so...hmm...
Will one of those experiences be love and a
broken heart?
Definately too prescient...
Is it really apart of life?
Here you meant a part not apart...and yes sadly all of that is.

I ask you
Will I have to grow up and get a job?
Can it be a job I like and can do?
Will I have kids of my own who look
like me?
Will it be fun watching them do what I used
to and become something they want?
I would suggest moving this whole stanza up above the last one, for the simple reason that this kind of is still in the realm of childish dreams, and the last stanza was all about adult disillusionment, and since you seem to be going about it chronologically it would fit better before I think.

Will old age get to me?
Is it going to be tough knowing
I'm going to die soon?
Will dieing be the next adventure?
dying
Where will I go?
What will I do?
Good questions, kid.

Wish I knew.

So I ask you one last
simple question:
Will life treat me good too?
And the final stanza, I like how you end it, it brings the whole poem together and wraps it up rather nicely. Very well done. I liked this one...just a few minor suggestions, and that's all they are, feel free to ignore them totally, it's your voice not mine.

Quote:

That's about what a baby would be asking before it's being born. Like it's soul is still in heaven and is asking someone how life really is. I know weird but I thought it was good.

For the record I don't think it's weird at all. As I said, it's an interesting poem, and baby posed a lot of interesting questions...some of them I'm still asking myself...

08-10-2005, 06:07 PM	#9 (permalink)
OtterySt.Catchpole SS Featured Artist DA Poet Rupert is My Man! SS100 Triumphant Giant Squid Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: On Team Otty! ♥ Posts: 18,758 Hogwarts RPG Name: Ottery St. Catchpole Third Year	Review for you Ms. Malfoy... Paris & Kellybear r luv :Read Otty 's fics:Gone With the Wind:I♥Rupert Quote: Originally Posted by Malmalfoy I have three more poems to post here. I hope some people start to read them. I'm here Ms. Malfoy, just like I said I would. Quote: So many broken hearts lay in the path of the past of my life. Will he be the one who doesn't spill another drop of ink on my precious parchment I call my path of destiny of life? It sounds very pretty. But the metaphor in the second sentence is confusing (to me anyways... sorry Poetry is so not my forte) what are you trying to say? But it does sound very lovely. I Ask You I ask you Did life treat you well? Did it bring you love, hope, happiness? I like how you start it out...but I thought the next line... Though those are the good things. Awkward. Is having good things bad? I'm sorry, it just seemed odd. Did it also bring you a broken heart, rejection and disappointment, sadness even? Well if you must know...LOL. That's a smart question to ask, I like how it balances the other. I ask you Did destiny happen the way it was supposed to? Now you're delving into the realm of philosophy... For I wouldn't know, we've only just met. All I want to know, will all those things happen to me too? Yes. Will I be blessed with a name that will fit me? A name that depicts who I am inside and out? Will I know that God was right in choosing the best parents for the job of raising me until I am ready to go off and prove myself to the world? I like that. Interesting... I ask you Is walking and talking my first challenge? They don't seem that hard. I like that line...it belies the child's innocence and naivete...especially the part about the talking... Not that hard...some of us spend our whole lives just trying to find someone that will understand us... Walking is only one foot in front of the other and talking is moving my lips and making sure sound comes out. Yes. They don't seem hard at all. Here again, like I said before...I love that line because it shows us just how innocent and naive the child in the poem is. Ottery wonders he was ever that young Is the air going to fly through my hair as I go back and forth on the swing? I remember that. I love the imagery there, that's pretty. As I grow up, will I have to experience things that I really don't want to? Will the pressure be so much that I will? This sounded a little too uhm...grown up, which kind of undoes that whole naivete...so...hmm... Will one of those experiences be love and a broken heart? Definately too prescient... Is it really apart of life? Here you meant a part not apart...and yes sadly all of that is. I ask you Will I have to grow up and get a job? Can it be a job I like and can do? Will I have kids of my own who look like me? Will it be fun watching them do what I used to and become something they want? I would suggest moving this whole stanza up above the last one, for the simple reason that this kind of is still in the realm of childish dreams, and the last stanza was all about adult disillusionment, and since you seem to be going about it chronologically it would fit better before I think. Will old age get to me? Is it going to be tough knowing I'm going to die soon? Will dieing be the next adventure? dying Where will I go? What will I do? Good questions, kid. Wish I knew. So I ask you one last simple question: Will life treat me good too? And the final stanza, I like how you end it, it brings the whole poem together and wraps it up rather nicely. Very well done. I liked this one...just a few minor suggestions, and that's all they are, feel free to ignore them totally, it's your voice not mine. Quote: That's about what a baby would be asking before it's being born. Like it's soul is still in heaven and is asking someone how life really is. I know weird but I thought it was good. For the record I don't think it's weird at all. As I said, it's an interesting poem, and baby posed a lot of interesting questions...some of them I'm still asking myself... __________________ Now taking suggestions for my newfanfic. Drop me an owl suggestion ... or just say hello.