Chapter 7: Babysitters

At some point, the new parent will discover that they can, and should, leave the house without their infant. Although we have equipped parents to travel with their child in the utmost comfort and style, a baby is not a fashion accessory and simply should not accompany an adult to every place in which they wish to go. At those times in which a parent must abandon his or her child to the care of another, the careful selection of the right babysitter becomes essential.

Selection of a babysitter is not nearly the arduous task that selection of a nanny is. Nor should it be; the babysitter acts as the parent for a few hours at a time and may be replaced at a moment’s notice, while the nanny is a supplementary parent for days or weeks and should be as a family member to you. Still, finding a good and trustworthy babysitter is paramount - not only are you permitting someone access to your child, you are permitting them access to your home. Do not think for a moment that the babysitter you hire will not ruffle through mail, open drawers, and sniff through closets, and you should choose someone accordingly. Your babysitter will snoop, so you must hire someone that either already knows your secrets, does not care about your secrets, or whom you yourself know secrets about.

There are a variety of candidates available to you during the babysitter selection process. Perhaps the most obvious choice is a grandparent, but it is our feeling that these elderly family members have paid their dues. Their good nature should not be taken advantage of; at this point in their lives, they have managed to rid themselves of children entirely after years of sleepless nights, snotty noses, and dirty bottoms. It is excessively cruel to reintroduce the noise and chaos of infancy into their lives. Many a good grandparents has insisted that they would be delighted to watch your wee one for a few hours, but you must resist. These poor souls have obviously been driven to mad exhaustion by old age and repeated exposure to young children and cannot be trusted to know their own minds.

Many parents will leave their children in the care of a young person in their acquaintance. These teenage girls and boys seem to be ideal candidates due to their youthful enthusiasm and willingness to accept a pittance in payment for services rendered. While they are much more likely to raid your icebox than ransack your closets, it bears acknowledgement that these young people enjoy babysitting because they are under the misapprehension that babies are cute and that the work is fun. At the first sign of a dirty nappy or encounter with strained peas, the young person will disappear completely from your life until she becomes a parent herself and wants all your old baby clothes. If one is seeking temporary care, such a candidate is ideal. For a lasting relationship with your child and a person you can get cheap labor from for years to come, look elsewhere.

We will not even entertain the idea of asking your friends to help care for the infant. If your friends stay home with your baby, who will you go out with? And more to the point, how long will they remain your friends?

No, the discriminating parent will look to his or her neighbors for help. Keep a careful eye on those who offer assistance, especially those neighbors who have children already (for experience) but whose children are too old to require recipricol care (so you will not be called upon to babysit in return). These charming specimans will often offer to watch your child for free, although you may be required to offer baked goods in exchange from time to time.