Dear Adam,
I think the reception at your ministry level hates me. It might be due to the fact that I showed up there weekly (one time during Christmas holiday) and asking the same questions to the same employee. They told me you were on an "out assignment", which frankly meant nothing to me other than that you were not available. I hate your job, even though I know you need it and you're probably enjoying it. Do I even have to tell you why I hate it? You're probably laughing at my childish logic right now, realizing that some things in life never change no matter how much we grow up. I can't help but want everything from the people I care about. I want to be able to see everyone, and have them want to see me as much as we used to. Sometimes we get too absorbed in our new life, but whenever there's a moment of freedom from all the obligations, we find ourselves missing our old friends and our ridiculous moments together.

You still haven't visited me in Wellington. You haven't met my roommate and his lovely dog, I bet JB will be all over him. You haven't seen me bungy-jump, swim in a natural spring, or even go sky-diving. I would pay anything to see the look on your face seeing that last one, haha, but no. I haven't gone sky-diving, I'm not crazy.

Generally, I'm doing great in Wellington. I still do stupid mistakes and break people's hearts but my study is going better than I thought. I live with a muggle boy named Mackenzie, he's a sweetheart once you get over his emo lifestyle. My friend in WU is Julie, she's a nerd just like me maybe even worse, but she's a good girl. Mannie is the woman I work with in that diner, she's a struggling tough woman. There's a stalker and obsessive so-called lover called Arapeta whom I plan on punching his face if he ever shows it. Liam is a musician in the university's amatuer band, he's treated me like crap and I intend on turning him into pig's poop soon. Lastly, there's Chinwa my professor, he's professional, brilliant and he sees lots of potential in me.
I want to know everything about your new life, I know about your job and tight living place. I just mean... I want to know how you're holding on. Who are you meeting, did you make new friends? New enemies (I HIGHLY doubt it)? Is there a significant other yet? I'm still annoying the reception center in your level until they agree to give me your direct address.

Love,
Louisa xo

Dear Adam,
I feel like I've replaced the word "diary" with your name. I find myself writing every time I'm angry, nervous, or hurt. If only I had the courage to send those letters, but I'm too scared to take a step. I think this is what happens when you take too many steps and you get rejected at every single one of them. The problem is, I regret taking some steps, and I regret not taking other steps. It's so confusing when I try to make sense of the world. I envy you Gryffindors, you guys just act by instinct without calculating the ups and downs and assessing the situation. You just do it, and worry about the consequences later. I wish I was this bold, this spontaneous. I had to be a Ravenclaw and over-think every freaking step I take.

My flatmate got a new girlfriend, it surprised me to no end that he had to pick her so dumb. But then again, boys like dumb girls, they're easy to listen to and usually don't argue (Or maybe that's just an excuse we, the single girls, like to console each other with). Anyway, she came over last night and we were supposed to be meeting for the first time but she seemed to had an already-formed an idea about me, so I acted upon it.

The thing is, I don't care about what she thinks. She's just a dumb, attention seeking girl. What hit me most was how Mack was handling the situation - or well, not handling it. It brought back memories, and eventually I just gave her what she wanted to believe. I acted like a man-stealing tease. She wanted me to be like that? I can be like that, and I can do it with class.

Here I sit in my bedroom, though, wondering why I keep finding myself in that situation. What sucks is that I actually don't know anymore if my charades are turning out to be real, my mock-flirting is turning to actual flirting, my mock-teasing is turning to actual teasing, whether I seriously am boyfriend-stealing kinda girl or not. Then I look to the direction of my friends, the ones who are supposed to stand up for me, and I find them so accepting of those words. Mack isn't the first or the only friend who succumbed to their girlfriend's wishes, but it still surprised me.

Is this what we call 'love', Adam? Blind acceptance to whatever pleases your partner? You know, as long as they're not psychos. Is that how people feel when they're in love? If that is part of being in love, then I can affirmatively say that I've never been in love. Not even mildly. The way I see 'love' is; two people understanding each other's needs and fulfilling them selflessly. I see it as two people accepting each other's minds and opinions before anything else. Love doesn't mean we have to suppress any urge to disagree or say 'no' when our partner is being stupid or unreasonable, right? Because then, how do we live together comfortably and united? If I have to surrender my will to analyze and make decisions in fear of disagreeing with my partner, how will that keep my personality -the one my partner fell in love with- intact?

I know what you'd say about that, though. You always had this ideal view on life, on love. You'd say that it's hard to balance friendships and relationship, especially when you have a lot of mixed friends. You'd say that sometimes it has to come down to choosing between your friend and your sensitive over-jealous girlfriend. And eventually you'll have to choose the one you can't live without. Then I'd tell you that this is all nonsense because if said girlfriend indeed cared about you, she'd see that ruining your friendship would definitely ruin your happiness. And she'd find a way to handle that herself, smart and without making a fuss. If it were me, I'd tell you, I wouldn't put my partner in the position where they need to choose between me and their friends. That's a really complicated situation, believe me I know, because no matter what they'd choose, it's going to break the one left aside.
Probably permanently.

By this point, you'd tell me I was one of the good girls, good smart girls. And that you thought whoever was going to be with me would be a lucky guy. And I'd blush a little then make a joke to ease the intense moment that would pass between us. And you know what, Adam? I think you are the good one, I'm not a good girl. I'm just your average jealous and silly girl, yet you see the good in me. It's buried deep and hidden behind my jokes and sarcasm, yet you manage to see it so clearly and since the beginning. You are the good guy, and any girl would be lucky to be with you.

Anyway, I forgive Mack for not defending me in front of his girlfriend, maybe it's for the best. Maybe this way she'll get off his back and be content that he's on her side, and maybe he's relying on me to understand that this is for the best and that he's still my friend, but his girlfriend doesn't have to see that. It's just getting old to me, Adam, that I need to be the one who should understand and bite the bullet. To be the bigger man, my stepdad would say. It gets boring and draining.

Sometimes I wish there was someone who'd stand up for me, someone who wouldn't be afraid to lose the entire world just to make me happy.

Dear Adam,
I should start sending those letters, or maybe burning them. They're becoming too out-of-date, and I just read the first letter, when I first moved in with Mack. I was hilariously naive back then, I'm so glad you didn't read that.
Anyway. The thing is, Adam, every time I want to go to someone and dump my woes on, your face materilize in my head (besides Paulie's face, of course) and all I can remember is how you'd nod confidently and wait for me to just spill everything out. I remember the two months when we had our little... row, I remember how torturous they felt when I couldn't go to you for a little talk. It feels this way now sometimes, and I hate life for setting us so far apart. Maybe all three of us should take some time-off soon and gather in one big house just for old time's sake. Everyone with their partners or kids or whatever. It'll be like a big great party, maybe it'll be as fun and spontaneous as the one I threw in my aunt's house, and this time I promise not to ruin everything by acting too crazy.

I'm writing today not because I'm sad or hurt, I'm writing because I finally know what I want and how I'm going to get it. It took me a lot of... thinking and maybe a little heartbreaking, but I finally know that I'm not after a relationship. I don't want to be attached or emotionally involved with anyone at this stage of my life. I can already see you shake your head at me, but listen to me and you might agree with me on this.

I've had little experience in this field back in school, you're well aware of this, and you understand how it feels like to have your attention taken from you and your heart to be stomped on. It takes so much time, so much effort to make something work between two people, especially when they're over the chemistry attraction and that euphoria of 'love'. After that comes the real things, the serious things, the things that make a relationship work and flourish.

I'm in this country because I want to be the best in my class, I want to be the best in this business, I want to be an ambassador one day and I want to have a real effect on the wizardy world, I can't even afford to have my attention split between personal life and study - not when one of the biggest professors in my university asked me to be his personal assistant! (isn't that great?!) I might get more than one degree, work and study, work and study and eventually I will have this little empire in here. And, oh Adam, if only you knew what I'd do with an empire of my own. First thing I'd do is establish an institute for the wizards and witches from muggle backgrounds. You know how easy their lives would be if they found somewhere to go to during the summer, someone who could tell them about magic? There is no Hogwarts here, and even though I'm sure the institutes do the same as Hogwarts to muggleborns, I'm not so sure the unfortunate parentless kids are given enough attention.

I want to build a school for Squibs, too, because coming from a magical family and having to go to a muggle school is too hard and challenging. Maybe studying a little muggle and a little magic would do them more good than just turning them instantly to a muggle school.

I want to be a part of the decision-maker group in this country, and I want to represent England in here.

I want to do so many things, and I don't want to die without the world to know that I lived, and that I will be missed.

Maybe I'm dreaming too big, too soon, but like I said in the beginning, Adam, I'm not worried about the way my words are going to be interpreted because you get me, you understand me.

And I'm probably too much of a coward to send this letter as well, so it doesn't matter anyway. I hope all is well, I wish you the best with your assignment and work.

Love,
Louisa xo