The next day after finally sleeping a normal amount and feeling a little better than I had the last few days. I headed out shortly after breakfast and started shopping for larger items like appliances and furniture. It was a tedious job but not as tedious as actually transfiguring everything and duplicating it. To be honest it looked pathetic when I got done. Everything was the same colour and the same design as the others. I didn’t take the time to really pay attention or worry about how things looked or the colours of them. I was a guy and now a bachelor as well. I didn’t care, it didn’t matter what they looked like or the colour, all that I needed was something that I could use and have in the house for my own use. I finally was able to get food for the fridge and cook and not just have sandwiches and chips and stuff. It was going to be a miserable next few years, especially the next few months in particular. It was really hard from going to having people in the house that I lived in before the accident to having absolutely nobody there with me. I kind of avoided the basement area in particular, since that’s where we had spent the majority of our lives at. We had avoided the upstairs since that’s where all our memories were at when we were happy as a family of 5. But now I either avoided both areas and slept in the garage, or I just got over it and moved back in upstairs. It helped that the majority of everything was completely new, and that I hadn’t kept a whole lot since much of it had been destroyed. Sitting back on the sofa I looked around me at the house when I was pretty much settled in and just stared. Even with all the changes it still felt like my mum and Ava should be there. It felt weird not being able to go downstairs and knock on one of their doors and just sit and chat with them. It was really hard in those first few days, I kept going to the basement looking for one of them without thinking, and I’d be halfway down the stairs before I’d turn back around with a sigh. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to go down it was because I had thought they were there once again and needed to ask a question or tell them something. The worst was when I called out telling them that I was heading out for a few hours and I got out to my car, buckled up, and it hit me. I think that was the first time it really hit me hard, I sat in the car staring up at the house with tears forming in my eyes. Resting my head against the steering wheel, trying not to cry. It hurt to think that I was all alone there, took forever for me to just get going again. I had to push myself to get up and just go do what I had planned on doing. It took me a long time to return that night as well. I needed to get away from things and just move on. But I couldn’t move on as long as I lived there in that house. I wasn’t ready to be there alone any longer.

After about 3 months I finally decided I just couldn’t do it any longer. I had to go, I finally decided that I was going to take a sabbatical and time off to get away and just do stuff for me. I might have been young but the hell I had gone through was enough to make me decide I just couldn’t jump back into things again. Did I want to go back to the ministry? I definitely knew there was no way in hell I wanted to go and be back in the Time Room. I wouldn’t ever go back to the ministry and go down to level 9 again. I just couldn’t, maybe someday someone would be able to figure out a way for me to go back, but that would be if I wanted to go back again. I couldn’t see myself ever not wanting to go back but then again I still wanted to know what happened to my family. Maybe this was the better idea out of the deal. Maybe it was better that I had the accident and couldn’t go back. But I wouldn’t know until I found out about my family and Maree first. The one thing I was determined to do before I went on the sabbatical was to find out first.

Heading for the ministry I went to find the man from level 2 that had helped me when I first had the accident. If no one else could help me it would be him. I got to level 2 and requested to see him and we sat down in his office and I explained what I wanted to know, and needed to be sent in the right direction as to where to start my search. I said I wanted to know about my mother and Ava as well as Maree. It took almost 2 years before I found out everything that had happened to the 3 of them, but he was able to help me at least get started and sent out some feelers as well, to find out more about where the three were. My mother I found out right away, and found that she had passed away in 2051, she had been sick for some time and had spent the last few years in St. Mungo’s. The healers had assumed it was a type of cancer, but weren’t able to fully pinpoint the problem, in the end all they could really do was keep her comfortable, but not much else. It was painful to think that my mum had suffered that much before she died, and the healer’s unable to do anything other than keep her comfortable. It made me feel even worse, knowing that she had died not knowing what had happened to me, and not being there when she could really have used someone there to comfort her, I had no idea if Ava had been there or not, nor if anyone had been there at all.

I think the one that hurt me the most with finding out what had happened to the three of them was hearing about Maree. Maree hadn’t ever found anyone after I had disappeared, the most that could come out of what happened to her, was the fact that she had died at age 40, from a type of cancer. She had likely died still hurt from what I had done. The last thing I had done and said before my accident was telling her that I was tired of being used basically and the next day vanished. She’d walked away hurt, and I hadn’t stopped from leaving. I still regretted it so much, it was the worst thing I could have done, left us with bad words between us and being regretful for not being able to walk away without hurt or anger. It would be the one thing I would likely regret the rest of my life. My wife tells me even now I was foolish to still think that I was the one at fault, I wasn’t the one to walk away, but still yet it bothers me that I never went after her. What might have happened if I’d gone after her? Would I have gone into work early the next morning because of not being able to sleep? Or would I have gone in at a normal time? Would the accident have ever happened? I’d like to think it never would have happened, but there’s no way of turning that clock back now. Maree had died, alone, no one there with her. Her parents had been killed young and she had no siblings, so she’d been completely alone. Maybe she had friends and perhaps even someone she might have cared for, but to me, in my eyes she had been alone. I think I believe that because of the fact that I don’t know much about the last bit of her life. There is only so much you can dig up and if there’s no criminal past, there’s really nothing you can find. Her life was over and there was no hope of apologizing or undoing anything, the past was in the past and all I could do was move forward. And keep from making similar regrets, it changed the way I looked at things, I no longer took life for granted. Both my mother and Maree had both died from a type of cancer and they had both died fairly young. I was beginning to dread what it was I might find out about Ava. Sometimes I think finding out this way was harder than the accident itself. It made me wish that I was there and the nightmares I had following the accident were sometimes worse than before the accident and during Voldemort’s time! I hated knowing how much sorrow and pain the ones I loved had to go through and completely alone, with me not even there. I looked back at their lives with my heart heavy knowing there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, and no way of changing the outcomes.

The day I heard about Ava it was as if someone had taken my heart out and stomped on it and ground it into the floor. She had died only 2 years ago, meaning just two years and I would have been able to see her one last time. Many said she died from a broken heart, but there’s no way to tell. There was no sign she’d have been killed by Avada Kedavra, and she had been perfectly healthy before she was found dead one morning by her neighbor. She had gotten married to a David Shelton, and had one daughter, named Melanie. She had no family left, dad died when she was 11 years old, Corin died when she was 15, I disappeared at when she was 16, mum died when Ava was 69, her husband died a few years before she had, and she was completely alone. Melanie had disappeared when she was 32 years old and Ava was 58. No one ever knew what had happened to Melanie, one day she just vanished, leaving her best friend behind on a trip to America. She’d gone for work, and her friend had joined her, and one day they were supposed to meet for lunch and she never showed up. Within a few days it was obvious that she was missing and the police were notified as well as the American Ministry. No one had any hint of where she had gone and there was no sign of any sort of foul play. She’d just vanished. If she was still alive, no one knew, and I had no way of knowing myself. It’d be nice to know whatever had happened to my niece, to know a family member had just vanished was frightening, even this many years after her disappearance. If someone wanted to remain hidden, no one was going to find her, and for all I know she is here somewhere in the world, maybe even right there in London. Ava had died, not knowing anything about Melanie or myself, and had died of a broken heart. No one was left there with her, she lived out her life for the last 2 years alone after David died, before she passed away as well at the age of 80. That’s a young age for a witch or wizard, but I could see how she no longer had the will to live. Everyone that she had ever loved and known in her life was now gone. I wished that somehow fate had been nice to us and allowed me to see her one last time, but that was never to be, 2 years difference, 2 years that cost me the ability to see my family one last time, 2 years to give her hope that not everything in her life had left her alone and abandoned her. We’d been through so much together, lost our father and our brother in such a short time frame. I remember meeting her on that train when I was 17 in King’s Cross. Holding her for the first time in almost 2 years, my heart was breaking all over again that day when I found out I didn’t even get to see my sister, that I had missed it by 2 years. It hurt. It was as if I’d been thrown into being alone all over again. It had been 4 years since she had died, and 2 years since my accident with the Time turner. I was alone and abandoned again. Just like those many years before at the cabin, alone with no one to turn to. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep like I had those many nights when I was 15. But I couldn’t, I had to move on, I had had hope up until I had heard about Ava, and now my last bit of hope that I might have family left somewhere had gotten tossed away with the wind and I sat staring at the picture of Ava that I had gotten with the letter explaining about what had been found out about my sister. Each bit of knowledge of my family and Maree, had taken its toll on me, and each one brought me into a deeper bit of pain. The worst to hit being Ava’s, one day I was determined to solve the case in regards to my niece. I didn’t know what the outcome of that might be, but if nothing else, I wanted to do that for my sister and her memory. I was doubtful it would be a good outcome, I dreaded the fact that the outcome might be anything but good. But with my luck, it was unfortunate that would likely be the case once again. I didn’t bother getting my hopes up for this one, in any case it got my hopes lowered even more, knowing that it likely wouldn’t end well.

I started travelling those 2 years, I didn’t want to stay around London, with all the bad memories that I had from there. I left my faith, and stopped celebrating all the Jewish holidays particularly Hanukkah. It wasn’t worth it to me any longer. I had no interest in a god that did something as horrible as rip my family away from me, and destroy my life so drastically, as taking and putting me in a world I didn’t even know. He’d left me alone, so why would I want to be a part of that? My first place I stopped was in Amsterdam. I wanted to go to where I was born and grew up, those were the years that I most enjoyed. No bad memories, that I really could remember. I’m sure there were bad memories at times there but it was mostly good ones, and I wanted to see my old house. Merlin that place was small! I barely had room to turn around in the room that used to be my bedroom growing up. AND I shared that with Corin! But then again I wasn’t a full sized man back then, I was only 10 when I left that place and Corin was 11. I remember playing out in the yard, practicing flying on the broomsticks over the grass and around the small house. I even remember sitting up on the roof of the house with Corin hiding from mum and eating the cherry cobbler she had made. We’d taken our broomsticks and flown up there after having snuck the cobbler. We got a beating that night! But it was totally worth it, the cobbler was so fantastic! Dad never did let us live that down. It was a bit mean we knew, since it was his birthday but we couldn’t help it! Mum always had make the best cobbler. I wonder if she has that recipe somewhere, I kind of doubt it, I’ve looked through most of the boxes that are in the attic that hadn’t been completely destroyed. I thanked the woman who now lived in that house, her parents had bought the place from my father years and years ago, and had passed it to her and she said she wouldn’t be able to live there much longer either but wasn’t sure what she was going to do with the place. She didn’t have any children and didn’t want to see it go to some stranger. I told her that I would stay in touch. I didn’t know what I’d do but I was in agreement, I didn’t want to see the place just given to someone or sold to a stranger either. It was hard enough knowing that my family didn’t live there any longer, but I didn’t see myself living back in the Netherlands either. But I gave her my contact information so she could keep in contact with me, and I hoped she would.

After Amsterdam I headed into the Ural mountains. I hadn’t planned on following the trail of our houses by going next to London, I’d spent enough time in that house alone and didn’t really care to do it again. I entered the house in the mountains and looked around me. The place hadn’t changed much, though it was a bit run down. Not as bad as the place in London though, I had to say that. I don’t know why but again I set about cleaning the place from top to bottom and fixing things up there. Just as I had done with the place in London. Maybe it was out of wanting things to be back to normal, or maybe it was a reason for me to stay longer. The furniture might have been very out of date, but it wasn’t destroyed by water and weather, or animals making nests inside of them. But after a nice cleaning the place was practically livable once again. I spent about a year there, wanting to just settle in for a bit and though I was still really down and not really adjusting very well yet, it was a bit of a relief to be able to just stay in one spot for awhile and not wonder where I might end up next. It was in the mountains there that I finally started to heal, maybe it was the presence of my dad there or maybe just the time alone and away from everything, but I finally started to see that I really did need to move on with my life. I wasn’t ready to end the sabbatical but I was ready to start to stop feeling sorry for myself. There wasn’t a damn thing that could be done to change my situation, did I truly want to go back to 1998? Was I ready to risk being killed in an attempt? If I was, I needed to return to London, right now and just do it. It was pointless to keep whining and complaining to myself over and over that I wanted to go back. What good was that doing to me besides making me more and more depressed? It wasn’t doing anything! This was the last place my father had been alive and somehow I felt like he was there with me. It was weird, because I didn’t see that shape at night but somehow I felt like he was close to me there. I sat out on the porch overlooking the mountains and talked to him. I told him about the accident and how alone I felt, how awful I felt about mum and Ava being alone when they died. It wasn’t my fault they had died, but I still wished there had been something I could have changed or done differently to keep the accident from happening. I tell myself over and over even now that there hadn’t been anything I could have done. That mum still would have died, as would most likely Ava, even if I had been around. If I had been around would I have bothered to check in on her and see how she was doing? Likely not. I’d have been busy with my own family, perhaps having died as well already. Anything is possible and I’d like to think that I’d have been there but it’s very unlikely I would have. I couldn’t keep beating myself up over it!

I didn’t feel my mum or Ava’s presence there very strongly as I did my father’s, and somehow I wanted to try and see if I could find their presence somewhere, and because of that I knew my sabbatical wasn’t over. I needed to find those places, and talk to them as I had my father. My next stop was Austria, in the Alps. There is where I found Ava, not in actuality but I felt her there. It’s a weird feeling really, to feel their presence when they aren’t no longer in this life. But she was definitely there. I could see her near the lake or feel her in the wind in the trees. I could hear her laughter as she gazed up at me from the ground below the rock. I didn’t stay in the tent that was still there. The charms my mother had put on the place kept it in perfect condition, the rock I used to climb was almost like I remembered it, I needed to find the foot and hand holds again, with the old ones having been weathered away. I could see Ava staring up at me and shaking her head with her eyes sparkling mischievously at me and then calling out to my mother saying I was on top of the rock again. That little snitch almost always got me in trouble, she knew I wasn’t supposed to be up there and she’d let mum know that that’s where I was hiding every time. I didn’t hate her for it, she was just an annoying little sister and I still look back fondly as I think back to that time. I think out of all those that I miss from my past, it’s my sister, we held each other together when our lives hit rock bottom. Those few years that we were apart, were really hard for the both of us. I hadn’t ever had a relationship with my older brother, not really. But my sister and I were really close. So many things I regret, but the main one being that I never told her how much she meant to me. Oh I know she knew, I have no doubt in my mind that she knew how much she meant to me, and I was sure she felt the same, but I still regret never telling her that. I miss those late night talks we had out here under the stars, away from mum and everything else. We’d sneak out late at night and just lie there by the lake and talk late into the night, sometimes not going to bed til almost 2 or 3 in the morning! It took quite some time before I willingly left that place, I knew I would return, one day, when I didn’t know but I knew that I would come back and if nothing else build a house there and maybe make it more permanent rather than a tent that had been there for many decades. It was the one place since Amsterdam that reminded me of a happy time. Merlin, it wasn’t really a happy place, considering what was happening in the world at the time, not to mention the reason for us being there in the first place, with my father having just been killed. But it was a happy time in spite of it all. Getting into mischief with my sister, rock climbing and finding a place just for me to go and not have all the worries that I had in the coming years. My mum and Ava and I going swimming in the icy cold waters of the lake that was a short distance from the tent. It might not have been a great time in our lives but it had happy memories in that place. And that I’d never forget. I told Ava that I was sorry she had died so close to when the accident brought me into the future, explained to her what had happened, to the best of how I could explain it. It was hard to tell her when I didn’t fully understand it myself. I told her how sorry I was that there would be no tomorrow’s with her any longer. But I promised her that I would find out what had happened to Melanie if it was the last thing I did. She deserved to have that much. To know that her daughter was safe or what had happened to her.

It finally came time to find the place where my mum was, I needed to find her and I had a good idea as to where I’d find her. Peering into the window of the cabin that sat in the woods by the stream that I had lived over 2 years at, I half expected to see her walking down the hallway back towards the kitchen just as I had the night that I had found someone had broken through the charms of the cabin. It was just the ghost of a memory, I knew that. I opened the door and nearly choked on the dust that had settled on the floor that was kicked up as I stepped into the room. No one had been there since we’d left there when I was 17 I was sure. And being that that was 67 years ago, the place was completely filled with dust and grime, animals had made nests everywhere and there were broken windows. The roof was in poor condition but it was still home and I could feel mum there. Immediately I set to cleaning the place up, just as I had with the place in London as well as the house in the Ural Mountains. Working to get it in reasonable condition and clean as well as weatherproofed. I fixed the roof and the windows before settling down in front of the fireplace with the nice fire lit inside it. It was cold out and winter was on its way once again, I stared into the flames as I sat there thinking about the memories of mum and I at the cabin. It wasn’t hard to picture, and it wasn’t a pleasant memory, but they were memories I had of her. Lots of training and preparation for the war that was to come. It was a blessing and a curse to have mum there. To have her there with me meant I was no longer alone, and had someone that cared about me that wouldn’t let anything happen to me just as I wouldn’t to her, with no expecting anything in return. She could use magic even though I couldn’t, and could make purchases in London if need be. I had told her she couldn’t go to Appleby nor any smaller villages. I didn’t want her to risk the need for that mark, it was bad enough I had to take it. But I damn well wasn’t going to allow my mother to have to get that same mark as well. First of all I knew she wouldn’t take the mark, and would be killed if she refused it. Second that mark was stating she also followed Voldemort or supported him, and I knew she didn’t and wouldn’t ever put her in a position that meant she had to make a stand. She never asked me why I didn’t want her going to those villages, and I never told her. She never knew about the mark I had had to take, and for that I was grateful. I knew she would never once shun me for taking it, and knew she rather would have been sympathetic. But even just as now where I don’t want the sympathy for the accident and having no where to go or turn, I didn’t want any sympathy back then either. It had been my choice, to either take the mark or to die, and I’d made my decision, and lived to regret the choice I’d made. I spent many days in that cabin just talking to her, and telling her how sorry I was that she had died not knowing what had happened to me. I told her about the accident, and where I was now. How alone I felt and how much I wished we had that time now to be able to talk or even train once again together. But those days were behind us, and there was no going back.

I thought at that point my sabbatical was over. I had gone to the locations of my family, and where they most were felt. But I was so very wrong. I had two more places I needed to find, and it was only the beginning of my healing.