I had never felt so lonely in my life. If I wasn’t at home with my family I was at school with friends and in the least house mates. Out in the middle of nowhere, with no one to talk to but the creatures in the forest around me. I didn’t mind it too much at first, it wasn’t so bad. Nice and quiet and had plenty to keep me busy. I started catching up on the classes that I had fallen so far behind in. I used sticks that I found to practice wand movements, and said the incantations over and over again. I didn’t use my wand, not even when I sliced my hand pretty bad outside when I was doing some hiking along the cliffs along the ocean. I got it fixed up though I probably should have gone in to St. Mungo’s and saw a healer. You’d never know about the injury if you looked at my hand now, but I know where it was and can still see the faint scar that lay across the palm.

Late January, I found that I had to go into Appleby, which was the nearest wizarding village to where I was at in the North Somercotes. I didn’t want to fly all the way to London, especially not in those temperatures, but I had to get a few supplies I had missed, and couldn’t put it off any longer. Getting there wasn’t the problem, it was what I encountered when I got there. Things were getting bad as people’s fears became more real. But it wasn’t just that, smaller wizarding villages were being taken over by Death Eaters already. Arriving in Appleby I was approached by 3 men in cloaks and immediately got on the defensive. I was fully aware that I had no way of escaping and would need to find a way to outsmart them. Quickly I found that I was beyond my own ability, though I had my wand on me when I arrived just for protection if I needed it, I quickly found myself wandless and locked in a room with my broomstick snapped in half on the floor beside me. I paced the room trying to find a way out, and was unable to get free. A large man entered the room and I stood against the wall, watching him as he sat down at the table and stared at me. He told me he knew who I was and that he also knew who my brother was as well as my father. That didn’t scare me, my father was dead and my brother for all I knew was dead as well. I never found out his name and I didn’t learn who these people were til much later. Leaning against the wall I kept my mouth shut not saying a single word to him, not acknowledging him nor asking why I was there. Finally he got up and left when I wouldn’t speak.

I was left there about two hours, but couldn’t tell you for sure, being there was no sense of time in the windowless room. I spent the entire time pacing, trying to think of a way I could get out of the mess I was in. Maybe I should have chosen to go to London, I knew then though that I was no longer safe in the cabin I was staying in. With people like this so close, I didn’t feel it was safe enough to remain there and decided if I ever got out of there alive I would quickly move from my location and relocate somewhere else. Another man appeared in the room, and told me the situation in Appleby. The local residents had taken into hiding or moved away, and that they had taken over the town. I wanted to laugh in his face, it was like one of those Muggle mafia movies! I was just waiting for the damsel in distress to come out wearing scimpy clothes and hanging on one of their arms, as his girlfriend. It was ridiculous! The smirk was wiped off my face in no time flat though, when I discovered the man was dead serious. He explained that I was found without the mark, and I stared at the man as if he’d lost his head! ‘What mark?’ I asked were the first and last words out of my mouth. What the hell was everyone now getting the ‘dark mark’ now imprinted on their arms? Bah, they could kill me, because there was no way I’d ever be stupid enough to join them and take that mark. He explained if I wanted to be able to purchase anything at any store, to even enter this town for that matter I needed the mark. I had one choice, to get that mark. If I didn’t they’d release me right then and I’d never get that chance ever again to take it. If anyone was to find me without it, they could kill me on spot. And that included from the time I left that building and headed back to my cabin. My cabin was miles from there and I didn’t even know how I’d get there without my broomstick, let alone how I’d survive the cold winter air, trekking through the woods. Now adding the fact that I could be killed the moment I stepped outside the building for not taking this mark? I hated myself, I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want the mark either. I had no choice. I was basically writing my own death warrant if I didn’t take it. They gave me an hour in the room alone after telling me this, giving me time to decide.

My mother would understand, knowing that I was doing it so I could survive. But me? I hated myself, it was against everything I believed in and everything I swore I would never do. It was like saying I give myself to Voldemort and I’m now following him. See I have his mark, so that I can survive. I wasn’t brave like my father, I was stooping low enough to just take a mark so that I could survive another day. I had failed myself. When the man returned I stared at him and gave him a brief nod and dropped my eyes to the floor. I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for that. I couldn’t. It was like failing my mother and my sister. I knew I could get whatever we needed and they would never need that mark, but that mark I hated, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror the same anymore. It burned as it was applied to my left shoulder, as if they were branding me with an iron, but I didn’t flinch away from it and I walked out of that house a free man. I had made the right choice, as when I walked out the door people stood around waiting for me to leave. They turned away the moment I stepped out which told me they knew I had the mark and they didn’t need to stick around. They’d been waiting for me to appear, to kill me if need be. I would never have survived that moment, I know that now. But it doesn’t do anything for the fact that I had failed myself, my father, my mother and my sister. I made my purchases for the things I needed, purchased a new broomstick, and flew back to my cabin. It was pointless for me to leave, and there I stayed for the next 2 years. I was safe there, I didn’t feel it, because I was a castaway, tossed aside like a barrel full of flobberworms. I knew that any moment one of the Death Eaters could appear and kill me as if I didn’t make a single difference in the world. But I had a place to live, it was a distance from any town, and under protective charms. I had the mark, the one that would protect me against certain death if I was found by them, but I was also alone, more alone than I’d ever felt in my life.

I didn’t sit and mope around for the next two years if that’s what you’re thinking. And I also didn’t become some nerd that did nothing but study his books and brew potions, grow gardens, preparing my way for taking my OWLs and NEWTs one day soon. I did have an amazing surprise that happened at the end of my fifth year though. I was cutting some wood for the stove when an owl carrying a large package appeared out of nowhere and dropped it on the ground near my feet before flying off into the trees. Who had figured out where I was? Had my sister and mum risked sending a package to me in order to find where I was? I had no idea what it meant. Taking the package inside, I opened it and found a stack of papers that was about the size of my book of spells year 5! On the top lay a letter:

Gidyun Josef Yenorin
Do not tell me where you are, I understand that you have gone into hiding and hope all is well with you. The owl has specific instructions, to find you, drop this package and fly off without warning. Though you are in hiding, you are still required to take your OWLs, and hope that you have been studying. I ask you not to cheat as you complete the written examinations, I have included all OWL exams whether you took the class or not, feel free to complete the ones you have taken, or all if you wish.

When you have completed them, set them on a rock within your boundary, sign the paper included at the back of the exams, and an owl will find them. You will have to do your practical exams when you feel it safe to return to the wizarding world, but for now complete the written half of the OWL examinations.

Sincerely
Albus Dumbledore

I stared at the papers in my hands, and for the first time in months felt like I wanted to cry. He’d understood, and knew I hadn’t left on my own free will. But because I needed to, and for my safety as well as my families. He wasn’t going to allow me to fail just because I had thought of my family first, and was ensuring that I would be able to take my examinations.

I hadn’t left the safety of my fidelius charm to approach the town again, I was making do with what I had and not risking the chance of them finding me. Sitting down I worked on those exams and did everything I could to accomplish every class I’d been working on. Finally fishing the exams and completing all 9 of my classes, I packaged them up and placed them on the rock. Three days later when I came out of the cabin I found the package gone, now that my exams were done, I went back in the cabin and started my training. Term was over for me, I didn’t need to worry about exams or any classes til September, and wanted to be ready when I turned 17. I’d be of age in less than a year and needed to be ready for it. I wasn’t going to be caught unable to defend myself. I had picked up two different types of Muggle defensive classes. One was ju-jitsu and the other was sword fighting. I started in on the ju-jitsu immediately. It was tedious for the most part the first few belts, but once I got the hang of it, I really started flying with it, within the first 2 months I had made it through 5 belts and was working on my sixth. It was hard going because I didn’t have anyone there to train with but it wasn’t too bad. The sword fighting is where I found it more difficult to train without any help or partner to work with. I worked day and night only to stop to eat and rest when I couldn’t stay up any longer. I started gaining a lot of upper body strength and muscles that I hadn’t had before. I was almost 6 feet tall, and looked a few years older than I actually was.

When I wasn’t training was the worst. I sat wondering about my family and what was happening in the wizarding world. How had the Tri-wizard tournament turned out? Who won? I hoped it was Harry Potter, to be honest. I would have loved to see a younger student actually come out on top for once, and prove them wrong that younger students didn’t have the knowledge and training of the older students. Cedric was too much of a pretty boy to me, and I was all for a Hogwarts win, over Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. I wondered whatever happened to Maree. Was she able to finally stand up to her headmistress and stop letting her walk all over her? Or had she just continued to do whatever the woman wished? The only thing I regretted was the fact I’d not said good-bye. I’d vanished without a word to her, but it was for the best in my opinion. No one would be able to find out through her where I was and no one could harm her because she was just a friend and not like my family. They wouldn’t torture her because I wasn’t doing what the Death Eaters wanted. I knew I was lying to myself when I said she was just a friend. She wasn’t, not really. I thought about her every day, wondered where she was and how she was doing. Had she found someone? Had she fallen in love? The thoughts sickened me when I thought about her kissing someone else’s cheek, and that bothered me, because we’d never come to that point, never talked about the future. Hell, we’d never even gone on a date! But yet my thoughts continued, wondering how she was, and if she had fallen for anyone else.

I needed to get a decent sword, to be honest. I was just using a knife and I nearly sliced off my leg one day, I needed something that was long enough to use as a sword and not feel stupid while using a stick I found in the woods. I needed something that really made me feel like I was practicing and not swinging a stick around and pretending to hack people to death with a stick. But there was no fixing that, I was determined not to leave the shelter of my home until I could use magic. That included not getting my sixth year books and supplies, putting off my education for at least 6 months, which would be a huge set back. Even if I could use magic, I wouldn’t be able to apparate, which again was another setback. I needed to get myself to Diagon Alley once I was 17, somehow without the use of magic. I could try breaking into a wizarding family’s home but didn’t feel comfortable doing that. Especially when I didn’t know who was on Voldemort’s side and who was on my side.

My mother it turned out, had been searching for me since the moment she’d heard that I was no longer at Hogwarts, and didn’t appear during the summer holidays. She knew something had happened to send me on the run but knew also I didn’t want to be found. As a mother that had to have been hard, having lost both of her sons and her husband to the dangers that were steadily getting worse. One day I was heading back to the cabin from the lake when something seemed different and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Fear gripped me and I drew my wand, knowing I could use it if I feared for my life. Someone had broken through my charms, including the fidelius charm. But who? I stayed out of sight, watching and waiting. Lights came on inside the house when it grew dark and I still sat outside by the tree out of sight of the house. Someone was there and I had no idea who, was it a friend or foe? I didn’t know whether to leave immediately or wait to see who it was that sat inside there waiting for me. Sneaking closer to the house, as quietly as I could, I peered into one of the windows, looking around and not seeing anyone. I felt like a peeping Tom in my own house, but I had to know who it was that had broken through the barriers! Were they alone? Could I take them on? Would I be able to come out on top if I did? My broomstick was just inside the door, but even then it was risky to get just that. I didn’t have anything there that I couldn’t just leave there. I had my wand and that was all I needed. Everything else could be replaced.

Seeing movement in the hallway, through the glass I was peering through, I held my breath as she looked towards the clock before going back into the kitchen. Tears formed in my eyes and I stood there watching as she disappeared. I should have known she would find me. Did she know I was there or was she just guessing? I shook my head, knowing better than to even think that question. She knew, I’d been living there since last December and it was obvious someone was there and had been there for months. Letting out a shuddering breath I moved around the cabin to the door. I wasn’t going to make her worry and wait longer, I had missed her and Ava more than anything else in my life. I was trying to keep my emotions in check and just walk in like I hadn’t known she was there. I even went as far as flipping the lights off and keeping my wand out as I entered the cabin. It might have looked stupid to someone just watching us, but I knew better than to enter the cabin without protection. She would have bawled me out for just assuming even if I had checked the window. We had made a point of making sure that we could ask each other a question that only the other person knew and no one else. I didn’t think that it was an impersonator, because that meant if this person was, that my mother was likely dead, and they’d gotten this location out of her somehow. Taking a deep breath, I walked further into the cabin and saw her flip the light on and put her hands up, hearing her say ‘Gid. It’s me’ was the sweetest words I’d heard in the last 10 months. I hadn’t heard anyone speak at all since January, except my own voice, but I still had to ask. ‘What was the one place you never wanted me to go last summer and I broke that rule no less than 5 times a day?’ Seeing the tears in her eyes she smiled softly and whispered ‘the top of the rock a half mile from our camp’. I may have been 16 years old but I just wanted to be in my mum’s arms and feel her strong arms around me. It took maybe 3 steps from each of us til we were hugging but it felt like miles. We both stepped forward together and tears were on both of our cheeks as we stood there holding each other.

She’d been searching for months, going to every place she could think of as to where I might have gone, and even then hadn’t given up. She’d asked around to see if I’d been in Diagon Alley, sent messages to Dumbledore, and only got notice that I’d taken my written examinations. They had no knowledge as to where I was, and wouldn’t give that information out even if they had known, not wanting to risk the owl being intercepted. She told me of my sister Ava, whom Dumbledore had managed to talk my mum into allowing her to attend Hogwarts. She told me of what was happening in the wizarding world, and how Umbridge was taking over Hogwarts even after having been there only a little over a month. The tri-wizard was a huge surprise to me, hearing that Cedric had died and that Harry won, having succeeded in finishing the third task. Hearing Voldemort was said to have returned, wasn’t a surprise to me. Not after all I had been through that last January. The signs everyone had been hinting at was becoming real more and more with each day that passed. Did it scare me? Hell yeah it scared me! Was I going to back down and hide? Hell no, I wasn’t going to sit back in comfort and allow life to go on and me ignore everything that was happening! I was going to stand and fight as soon as I was able. I was still Hogwarts age, but after all was over, would there be a Hogwarts left? I was going to stand by what my father believed in and what I believed in and die trying if it came down to it. But I wasn’t going to die giving up, I would fight for what I believed in, and fight against Lord Voldemort if that was the last thing I did.

My mum had brought the books I needed for my sixth year as well as potions ingredients and anything else that I might need. She wasn’t going to just sit back either she took to teaching me everything I needed to know. We went to Diagon Alley and I brought my wand to Ollivander’s. He helped me get it into what I truly wanted, a sword. He changed my wand from just a wand to a wand that when you flipped it in your hand it turned into a sword. I no longer needed the stick I’d been using, nor did I need to pick up a sword, I had one with the flip of my wand. The best part about it? It didn’t require magic to change it to a wand, it changed to one without magic, so it wouldn’t affect the trace. My mother managed to acquire a sword, and her and I trained. She wasn’t much of a swordsman, but she was enough that I could practice and have an opponent. I longed to be out there, I wanted to join the Order of the Phoenix, but I was too young. I didn’t have anything special to bring to them either, I was technically a student, underage, that could do ju-jitsu and sword fight. Not a great challenger, not an auror, just a kid. I was also incredibly hesitant. What if they discovered the mark on my shoulder? They could turn on me as well. I didn’t want to risk setting them against me and trying to explain that I’d done it only to save my life. It sounded so selfish! People were dying every day, including Muggles! And I was worried about survival for myself. I talked to my mum, admitted how much I hated that mark and how I hated myself for taking the mark in the first place. She understood my fears, and tried to change my way of thinking for having taken the mark. It didn’t change the way I felt about myself, it didn’t change the way my whole life was looking like a lie to me now. I felt like I’d taken it to make myself feel better about my choices. How could I have changed the choices I’d made? How could I have used this to my advantage even? I couldn’t! It was the mark of a traitor to me. I had gone against my own father to save my own skin. How was that not wrong?

I’d been in hiding for a year when I met Corin in Diagon Alley. We were walking down the street towards each other when we realized who the other one was. We both stopped and stared at one another, him with narrowed eyes and me just looking at him. I asked how he was and he just stood there staring at me. A snarl on his face glaring. He asked me how it was that I was still alive. I shouldn’t have been, he said that he wouldn’t ever consider me his brother until I switched sides. To stop being a coward and help fight and get Voldemort to power. Was he serious? He definitely appeared to be! I yelled at him, asking how could he turn against his own family. How could he stomp on his own father’s grave and disrespect his memory? The guy didn’t even have the guts to look regretful! He just stared at me and said the next time that we met, he was either going to kill me or I was going to kill him. The fight would be to the death. And the only way to get out of it, would be to take that mark on my shoulder and stand behind it. I was the coward, the one who’d taken the mark so that I could survive. I was a traitor to the Death Eaters. The mark meant that I supported them and they could count on me to help them if they were in need. I was disgusted and glared at him, ‘you are a traitor to your own family. Don’t talk to me about being a traitor’ I spat at him. He had turned sides, the brilliant mind he had growing up had turned into this evil older brother who had gone with the side that could benefit him the most, rather than with the side where people fought for what they believed in. People said Wormtail was the traitor and did things only if he could get something out of it. That was my brother. Corin did what he could to get ahead and would only agree to help or support someone if he was getting the better end of the deal. He was a true Slytherin, one that the students could look up to. I was the one who had never fit in with the house I was sorted into, the one that everyone despised because I wasn’t cunning, and doing what I could to sabotage everyone else. I did what I did to get by and did my work to get ahead and get through my classes. Corin, had turned on us, and I had no brother any longer. He told me if I saw him again one of were going to die. What could I say? I wasn’t looking forward to that meeting. Could I kill my own brother? Just to save my own life? I didn’t know, and didn’t really care to find out. But I couldn’t hide any longer. In another 2 months I would be of age, and was going to fight and protect the innocent people, the Death Eaters were terrorizing.

I turned 17 on February 17, 1996. That’s normally the best day of a teenage wizard’s life. It had one meaning for me, it meant that I was old enough to use magic, and old enough to fight without having to listen to some adult telling me the right and wrong way of doing things. I kept with my studies, and my mother started teaching me apparition. GOD I hated those classes! It took ages for me to actually accomplish apparition. I stood spinning on the spot for hours and not a single movement from me from one side of the room to the other. It was a joke and I couldn’t even manage to successfully splinch myself even to show I was at least trying! My mother told me I would not be going to Diagon Alley or anywhere else until I was able to successfully apparate there myself. Yes, that meant apparating without a license but she was determined that I learn. It took until nearly the end of my sixth year before I was finally able to apparate at will to anywhere I wished. When I finally was able to, I apparated to the ministry of magic to take two sets of tests. One my OWLs and two my apparition test.

I arrived there on May 3, 1996 and took my OWL practical exams, one after the next until all 9 of them were completed. They told me I’d find out in two weeks how I had scored, and I went down to the apparition testing room and took my written exam and then took my practical exam. Walking out of the ministry with my apparition license in hand felt fantastic. I’d passed on my first try and the months of frustration were finally over. I had one place I wanted to go, and it was going to take some doing first, but I wanted to go back there. First though, I was going to help my mother get everything moved from the cabin to where we lived in London until just before everything started. I got my results for my OWLs and got 8 OWLs. I failed Astronomy, getting a D, but that wasn’t at all surprising, I never had cared to learn the placement of the planets and stars. But I got an O in Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, History of Magic, Muggle Studies, Potions and Transfiguration. And I got an E in Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures.

It didn’t take much to get everything all boxed up and banished to our home in London. There wasn’t going to be anymore hiding. I put the fidelius charm on our home, leaving me as Secret Keeper, and made sure it had all the charms on it that both my mother and I could come up with. We weren’t going to hide out any longer. We were going to make a stand and do what we could to help the cause. I told my mother one night though that I was going to be gone in the morning and wouldn’t return for a week. She asked where I was going and I didn’t have the heart to tell her. I asked her to trust me and she nodded not speaking. I think she knew where I was going, but wasn’t going to ask, and was allowing me that little bit of information to keep to myself. When I was ready I’d tell her where I had gone, but for right then, I wanted no one to know, so that I could go and be there alone. The next morning before the sun came up I started my trek across Europe, apparating as far as I dared until I reached my destination.